RE DISCOVERY

but we need each other... don't we?

I told her that I was afraid of losing her. Not in the physical sense... (she's afraid, VERY afraid I will leave her over this,) but in the emotional sense.

I can see it in her eyes... she's thinking about something anyway. It's been odd the last few days - we both sit together in silence, thinking. I can't get into her head, nor she into mine. "What are you thinking about?" she'll say sometimes. Sometimes, I tell her.

See, this is the girl who used to reach over and grab my arm in the middle of the night to see if I'm still breathing! I used to go on business trips and there would be a blinking light on my phone when I got into the hotel. (I liked all that attention, really - even though it was occasionally annoying.) As you get older, though... (as I've noticed from other older couples I know) you don't "check in" as much. I think usually that's because of a high level of comfort between two people... So, that's what makes it hard, I guess. The girl who needed me so much - now realizes she needs a relationship with a woman. She says she needs me too... and doesn't want to lose me. Losing me, and everything to go along with it, would be more devistating than losing this relationship.

I can't get onto her, or "make her" do anything. If I told her, "you can't do this" then she'd either be depressed, leave, or be in a situation to do something without telling me. What good is that? All I can do is be honest. But, I also tell her when I hurt.

So, for now, I think I'll just let it ride. I guess I have hope - hope that this will all work itself out. What if it's a passing fancy? Would she have been so tremendously open if she really wanted to chuck it all and be a lesbian? If not, and it ends someday, I guess I will have seen it coming. I don't have a false sense of security - that's for sure!

What's the Sting song? "If You Love Somebody, Set Them Free."

You go then, baby...

posted by matt @ 1:53 PM