RE DISCOVERY

more discussion...

So, the latest of our long discussions about this situation I guess progressed things further. I told her that it was hard to be in the same room while she flirted with women on the internet and her girlfriend called on the phone. (Now, I don't know if she calls the girlfriend "her girlfriend," but I do.) To be sure, her voice sounds pretty sweet. The girlfriend has at least mentioned to her hub about making a connection on the internet, and I'm pretty sure things will progress quickly in a few weeks.

Nothing I can do to stop that... but I did tell V that I'm sticking in the marriage for a couple reasons: One, I want her to be happy and am willing to help her do that. Two, (and probably more importantly for me) I am intreged and interested in having a deep, strong marriage with certain "freedoms." I told her this. Of course, there are the hints that she drops that make me think she'll hit the roof if I take advantage of any "freedom."

For example, I asked her to think what it would be like if I was on the internet flirting and she was sitting there. (Honestly, I was trying to feel her out.) She tells me how yes it would be hard to sit there while I'm chatting and flirting with a man - and of course, it would be SO much more tramatic if I was flirting with a woman! (Here we go again with the "I can do it but you can't" thing. I'm beginning to think that her parameters for me having another relationship are based on things she doesn't believe will ever happen. But then again, they certainly could! I meet women everyday and if she thinks the only way I'll end up with a special friend on the side is if I meet all her parameters... well, baby it could happen.)

Then, there's the financial part of it. We're trapped together for now. Our house seems so small now. I told her the other day that if I had the money, I'd have a loft apartment downtown and perhaps stay there a couple nights a week. She thought it would be great - I could have my art stuff there... make it a studio of sorts. I'd love that! Maybe someday. ..

So, I do very much like the idea (at times) of staying with her - she is my best friend (at least for now) and having my own space and friends and maybe lovers. Other times, I'd give my pinky finger to have her back all to my self - no flirting, no lesbian sex, just total dedication to ME! Is that so wrong???

The bulimia has stopped (I think) - and she's in good spirits. She tells me she wants me to court her more... but I am beginning to feel like I have to work twice as hard to get half as much. She's really enthralled with her new friends - I can't imagine I'd get away with that.

All in all - she does give me some affection. I read about other guys on the internet that basically have a roommate. My situation is better than that... but I've also don't think that V and I have a stereotypical marriage. We've been tremendously close - and others have said so.
Still, I've noticed (maybe I'm just paranoid) that after the few times we do have sex... she runs in to check her email.... What's up with that??

so... whatya think? m.

posted by matt @ 1:57 PM