The latest...
So much time has passed since the last post. Here's the latest:
V and I have decided to split up. After months of a stalemate (and me thinking that I will just have to stay put and pay the bills while she gets her career in order), V has come to the conclusion that it's not going to work between us. (duh!)
Now, here's the real scoop: V has a fling going on on the side. One of her clients. And I knew it too. The signs were there, just like the last few times. Oh, and it's a man, not a woman. He's tied up in his own crappy situation - and his wife is having a fling with someone else!
Needless to say, I'm not spending any intimate time with V. We live in separate ends of the house and she says she will be moving out in a couple months. (or three, or four... it's going to be damned soon or I'm moving out instead of her!)
Briefly, that's it. It's a relief to have the conclusion finally! But, she needs to move out pronto!
update: And, as the weeks drag on and on... I have set the "absolute move out date" of Labor Day weekend. One of us is moving out that weekend! I'm tired of all this... tired of her being around, using things, spending money, crapping up, what she keeps reminding me is, my house.
She was out of town on business last week and f'd her boss! (not that I care... but she said she cared about this married guy so much). This week, she's been gone all week as well... supposedly out of town on business. It's great to not have her here - less to clean up after, less utilities used, less stress. I can, and will happily, take care of my daughter by myself. I think she's going to be okay through all this.
V has told the neighbors and some of our friends. So, I've started to tell a few people myself. The official announcement though will be when she actually moves out. Let's count the days... :)
Hmmm... such a drastic difference in my tone now as two years ago, huh? I look back on all this and see that it really didn't have so much to do with her being a lesbian, huh?
so... whatya think?
Purgatory
I love my daughter.
I love my new car... my new bike... my new computer.
While I can drink in all the internet porn I can
stand... it's still not the same as a real, intimate,
fulfilling relationship.
And, that's just it. My relationship with V is not
fulfilling. It's as if she thinks it will be fine...
it will work out to have a buddy across the house that
will keep all the pieces together. But, does she
really expect that I will stay around in a sexless
situation?
V hasn't been in the mood at all lately. She's
started taking an "anti depressant" which, in ten
percent of women, decreases the sex drive. It doesn't
help that we're clear across the house.
I saw on a well known, national morning show last week
that men equate sex with intimacy and want to have sex
even if they have a bad day, other things going on -
while women will lose their desire if their day goes
wrong, or they have something big overtaking their
life. Hmmm... interesting.
When will it change....? In 2006? Perhaps. Even six
months from now seems like a long time.
it's like the changing of the seasons...
...back and forth... I want this... I want that... now I want it the back way it was.
What?
My Christmas was okay. A car wreck netted a new car (no injuries to me) and I had a good time with friends and my daughter and yes, V too. At least most of the time. I recall being tremendously angry at her on Christmas Eve. We had some calm, almost normal times. We had some arguments that made me think (once again) "Oh, this will never work." V has caught on to those times.
So, right before New Year's she tells me, "I want to work on our marriage. I really want to." OhhhhhhKaaaaaayeeee......? WTF? She says she has wanted that for a long while now, that the flings of the past year were 1) experimental and 2) a mistake. She also mentions how incredibly hurt she would be if I were to have a fling, while acknowledging that I haven't had the opportunity for the "experimentation" that she has.
I recall a discussion and comments V made right before the holidays: Basically she said if our marriage was over...fine. But she was moving away to a state where she could start over, get a good job and not be "Matt's wife." "You know, Matt works for such and such..." she tells me people say. Anyway, so V would move away and take daughter with her. Sounds manipulative to me... but it did work.
We live in separate rooms now, which IS rather nice. Privacy is something I enjoy. My computer is in my room and I like it that way. :) I honestly don't know where things are headed right now. I've told V that I'm not committing one way or another on staying together, especially forever. She got rather upset that I didn't know what I wanted (remember how she asked for a year to figure things out last NYE), at least in the short term. I have asked for a few months at least to see if my heart changes. V accepted that answer.
V is happier this week... not depressed. Some of that probably has to do with the pro zac. Oh, that will be great... the limited sex drive she used to have will probably dry up completely. She has certainly been verbally expressing her love for me lately. I sort of return it.
If it wasn't for our daughter... I'd have been out of here a long time ago. I can't say I won't be in a year. Or two. I mean, I can put up with this crap a little longer while my child is little... I guess. V states that I don't trust her... and she doesn't expect me to. I don't. I wonder if she'll stray, change her mind in a few months again.
I've been reflecting the past few days about the other relationships I have: the "other" women. It's those relationships that keep me content... but still I wonder what it would be like to have the freedom to explore those relationships to any level I wish to... It seems nice. V talks of how another relationship would have all sorts of baggage attached to it... might as well just stay with the one you are with. I don't necessarily agree. (I still don't think I would get remarried...)
So, I keep coming back to our daughter, our finances and my happiness... my freedom. Yes, it would be great to have things work out with V... but will I be happy? That's my new year resolution of '06... to figure it out.
so this is christmas...
The last month has seen some changes in our relationship. Most notably, we live in seperate ends of the house (which isn't very big, btw.) That means... no intimacy at all. We don't see each other much, we barely talk about the day's events. However, my good relationship with my daughter has not changed - and is still quite good. I'm looking forward to having a needed break with her over the holidays.
V will be off work during that time as well. She was working, but has managed in one way or another to be screwed out of the jobs she had. Not her fault (I don't think,) but a strain on our finances just the same. Remember, the game plan is for her to get a job and get on her feet. She has a promising job on the line, we'll have to wait until New Year's to find out if it will pan out. It could actually be a great career move for her.
I took time off and went on a road trip by myself. I stopped to see an old friend in Atlanta, then moved on to Florida. It was refreshing to just be on my own... making my own decisions. V enjoyed it too, I think.
In fact, when I talked to her, she spoke of missing me (the "nice" me.) She went to a party with her friends (or "friends"... although the friend she fooled around with wasn't there.) Ah, but there's the "after party" that's still unclear to me. Supposedly, she was hit on - and had to finally say, "but I'm married" to get him to back off. Secretly, I really think that she at least had the opportunity to fool around... but am not quite sure that anything happened. Can't tell. That's the weird thing. But the signs that she gave off when she was fooling around, seem to be there this time. For example, she seems to profess her love for me after she's had someone else. And, this is weird... she only paints her toenails when she's either going to get some, or is working on getting some. (I've seen this... I'm not crazy.)
The arguing is less than it used to be. But, there are flare-ups now and then. I have no patience. I get the feeling she's extremely happy with the way things are. It's hard... I've decided that it's okay to let all this slide through the holidays... yet so long for a complete separation.
My emotions are on a roller coaster... no, I don't want her to be at my work party. She complains about my co-workers anyway. I try to make our weekends fun and happy, I try to plan a night out for all three of us... only to be met with resistance. But, she's offended if I don't ask her to things.
At any rate... it's the holidays and I think I'll be very glad to be back to work on Jan 3rd. Meantime... I'll make do. Pass me another margarita!
happy holidays to all
m.
but then...
...we argue about the money situation... I realize again how she's stalling, using, paying no attention to the long term goals.
We fight over stupid shit like the bike pump - and I know damned well why I don't have sex with her anymore.
At least my friend is willing to help me become... "liberated." I'd move out tonight, except it might devastate my daughter.
m.
"agreement and ceasefire"
I've had a couple of good conversations with V lately. The latest was over drinks and dinner last weekend.
"Matt, in many ways... we're over. We'll always have one big common interest, our daughter. And, I think we've both moved on - past the grief and sadness."
I agreed, feeling a sigh of relief inside. Maybe she won't fight me on all this after all... or - she has this false feeling that I will just hang around for her. I won't, but I'll give her a little time.
We also talked about how we'll be good friends in the future. I think it's very very possible... but we have to have our distance, space, divorce. Then it will work.
It's the time of year for cocktail parties. Thursday was one of the first. I had been drinking wine all afternoon, then V and I went to a meeting we both have interest in. When we got home, both a little tipsy... wild and crazy sex - the first in two months. "Just sex, no attachment" she said.. this time I believe her. "I have needs..." she told me. (Hey, I have had needs too... largely unmet for the last decade). I find it a turn on because I think she's finally letting go of me... and is open to me doing some of the crazier things I've wanted to do with her. More sex over the weekend. Maybe I can have some good sex before we settle this for good.
Then, more arguements today about the bills. Sigh... We are soooo over.
short fuse
Last week I talked to my lawyer. Um...a new one, actually. An initial consultation about what to do with all this. Luckily, it was mostly good news - for me anyway. I won't be screwed over... unless she fights me. But even then... she's had plenty of opportunities to get her life together and on the move, despite my career, our family obligations, etc. My lawyer seems to think it would pretty much be an easy file and a judge wouldn't hand me my head on a silver platter. There's also the infidelity issue.
The easiest thing would be for me to have the house and custody. She could then run off and go to school, work, race bikes, whatever. I would just handle it all. I'd have to. She can't afford to keep the house.
Speaking of which, she is jobless now. She/we are sorting out all our things and gave away a TON of crap to charity. More this week. Also, seperate rooms are on the way. I will give her time... but not much. She hasn't moved one inch toward going back to school.
She has asked me a couple times if I think about having sex with her. Not really. "Why do you ask?" I said. "Just wondering. Are you sleeping with anyone else?" she said. She's not fooling me... In fact, she doesn't think about sex with me anyway... if I look back and read over these pages, I am reminded how she always is thinking of someone else between her legs. I think she's just horny - and "needs" me. Hmmm... we'll see. I think I'd rather hook up a webcam and take my chances. lol!
Regardless, it felt weird to call and ask for a consulation about divorce. Ten years ago, five years ago, I never thought the day would come. But it has... and I can't wait until it's over someday.
m.
