RE DISCOVERY

it's like the changing of the seasons...

...back and forth... I want this... I want that... now I want it the back way it was.

What?

My Christmas was okay. A car wreck netted a new car (no injuries to me) and I had a good time with friends and my daughter and yes, V too. At least most of the time. I recall being tremendously angry at her on Christmas Eve. We had some calm, almost normal times. We had some arguments that made me think (once again) "Oh, this will never work." V has caught on to those times.

So, right before New Year's she tells me, "I want to work on our marriage. I really want to." OhhhhhhKaaaaaayeeee......? WTF? She says she has wanted that for a long while now, that the flings of the past year were 1) experimental and 2) a mistake. She also mentions how incredibly hurt she would be if I were to have a fling, while acknowledging that I haven't had the opportunity for the "experimentation" that she has.

I recall a discussion and comments V made right before the holidays: Basically she said if our marriage was over...fine. But she was moving away to a state where she could start over, get a good job and not be "Matt's wife." "You know, Matt works for such and such..." she tells me people say. Anyway, so V would move away and take daughter with her. Sounds manipulative to me... but it did work.

We live in separate rooms now, which IS rather nice. Privacy is something I enjoy. My computer is in my room and I like it that way. :) I honestly don't know where things are headed right now. I've told V that I'm not committing one way or another on staying together, especially forever. She got rather upset that I didn't know what I wanted (remember how she asked for a year to figure things out last NYE), at least in the short term. I have asked for a few months at least to see if my heart changes. V accepted that answer.

V is happier this week... not depressed. Some of that probably has to do with the pro zac. Oh, that will be great... the limited sex drive she used to have will probably dry up completely. She has certainly been verbally expressing her love for me lately. I sort of return it.

If it wasn't for our daughter... I'd have been out of here a long time ago. I can't say I won't be in a year. Or two. I mean, I can put up with this crap a little longer while my child is little... I guess. V states that I don't trust her... and she doesn't expect me to. I don't. I wonder if she'll stray, change her mind in a few months again.

I've been reflecting the past few days about the other relationships I have: the "other" women. It's those relationships that keep me content... but still I wonder what it would be like to have the freedom to explore those relationships to any level I wish to... It seems nice. V talks of how another relationship would have all sorts of baggage attached to it... might as well just stay with the one you are with. I don't necessarily agree. (I still don't think I would get remarried...)

So, I keep coming back to our daughter, our finances and my happiness... my freedom. Yes, it would be great to have things work out with V... but will I be happy? That's my new year resolution of '06... to figure it out.

posted by matt @ 1:58 PM