RE DISCOVERY

always on opposite sides

Recently, V and I have been bickering at each other... a lot. Just, bitter, stalemate arguments. Neither one of us are very nice to each other. We're both hurt. Neither one of us trusts each other. We both lash out at the other when they are the least bit nice.

And there's double standards. For example: I got a tremendous amount of grief after my outing with F. "What did you talk about? Did you kiss her? Etc, etc." But, it's fine if V goes to a cycling event with a whole bunch of guys and stays in a hotel with whoever (there was a shortage of rooms) but I can't ask any questions or express any concern (or perhaps a bit of jealousy) over the whole situation.

"I'm going to have friends," she says. But, her friends, (now all male, mostly - albeit married) meet three times a week to ride. It's not that I mind her having a group to ride with (I am envious, yes as my so called cycling group has fallen apart). It's that she's so adament about it - and when I questioned her staying with one particular man (and another girl) in his room she said, "Well, if I did have something going on with him - I wouldn't tell you." That's comforting. And, btw, this isn't about her "having friends," it's about understanding and setting some guidelines.

So, V returned from her weekend (which the event was fabulous for her - and something she feels she needs to call her own) and I thought she was really feeling connected to me. After I asked questions about her roommates though, she soured. (Just to be fair, the second night she moved to a room with a girl and her husband.) By Monday, she was "seriously thinking we weren't going to make it." I, of course, was thinking about how she called me all day Saturday during her ride, telling me how she wanted us to both go down there next year. (That has since dried up, she's now saying she's doing this event next year by herself. After all, it's hers, not mine, and I have the rest of my life to attend it.)

She said she doesn't want to talk to me in the evenings because I'm always negative. I try to talk to her or call her during the day and ask her about our finances, logistics of our day (we both work now and have a daughter in school) and she's somewhat curt - and unwilling to talk. When it comes to our relationship, except for a nice lunch yesterday, she's telling me that the conversations are too long and drawn out (my fault.)

Sex has disappeared. It's been at least a month. She won't even be partially unclothed in front of me anymore. A real trick as we both get ready every morning in the same bathroom.

I am strongly considering not just suggesting we separate, but actually following through with it. I could live downtown with a friend and save on gas! My daughter, when asked, told me she thought it would be fun "to go over to Daddy's" sometimes. (btw, she's starting to suffer in school a bit, which is heartbreaking.)

I had lunch with a good female friends last week. She listened to me a bit and noted the following: "Why don't you have a mediator?" and "I think V doesn't know what she wants or who she is." and "She needs to find her own identity."

People change. I have changed. V has changed. I haven't been good to V all the time over our relationship. In fact, I've been pretty shitty at times. V has been good to me for the most part. Things changed after we had a child. That's common. I've adjusted to less from her. But, the girl who said, "I'll move anywhere you want to go" has grown to resent that. She's grown to resent the business I'm in: "You're a shallow person now. Just like all the people in the ____ business." (that hurts btw, I'm not shallow.)

She's upset. Upset with me, upset with herself (I think) because she doesn't know what she wants, she doesn't have what she wishes she had, upset with where we live, upset with it all.

I adore our child. I am SO afraid of how this all will affect her.

Here's the glimmer of hope: I went to bed late. I walked into the room and leaned over to kiss V. She woke up startled, but quickly softened realizing it was me. We hugged, kissed, told each other "I love you" and then went to sleep. She initiated an "I love you" this morning. As long as there's still a spark...

On another note, F called me today. The first time I've talked to her since our little get together. Ah, she is still in the same stalemate situation... except both her H and her are dating. (uh, so she's not considering dating me then, I guess.) She then explained how she's too busy to get together for a long while. Thanks, F. I get the picture.

It seems that there's very little that's good going on right now. So, I'll call one of my female friends who recently broke up with her bf. She's alone and depressed right now. Maybe we could comiserate over a beer...

(disclaimer: Those of you who are regular readers here will probably roll your eyes and wonder, "WTF?" The posts from here on are my attempt to keep track of day to day events and my feelings on the issues as I work on counseling - and try a last ditch effort to save this marriage.)

posted by matt @ 9:48 AM