RE DISCOVERY

so why do I stay on board?

I guess it's because of my daughter. And, the fact that either me or V will be screwed in the end financially. Probably me.

We talked this morning... after a mediocre weekend out of town. V did things I've never seen her do: make a scene at a restaurant and then stop off by herself - all because she wanted her plans to happen, not what was best for both of us for the day. I didn't get to do all of my plans either...

Frankly, we are better off apart. Doing our own thing, our own friends, our own lives. Getting together for a "date" and then being apart again. It makes it so much more complicated with a child though. Neither of us wants to hurt her.

I really think trial separation would be good. We're already looking at splitting up finances (only because she's overwhelmed with it all.) Fine with me.

I wish our house was bigger. I wish we lived apart but nearby. I wish I'd known then what I know now. I wish I was more grown up back then and had the self esteem I have now.

Our child comes back home from vacation in a few days. Then, the hectic schedule of school and work and busy-ness. Last summer when we were alone, V and I were really close. This year, we're much, much farther apart.

V says that it's up to me to find a counselor. It will prove whether or not I really want to work things out. Frankly, I think a counselor will find it all hopeless. I'll do it though... because I think V thinks things that she won't admit or say and I hope that a counselor might break that loose. Of course, it probably won't happen that way... and it will end up being me, and my fault.

Well, so be it.

posted by matt @ 11:57 AM