RE DISCOVERY

riding the roller coaster to hell

Sigh... Long weekend. I still love her, though...

We ended up in a discussion Friday night. My point was, and has always been, that the problems she has with me and our marriage are different than her SSA.

In other words, it's just not fair to say that:

since I moved us all over the country,
since I wasn't home much over the last three months,
since I haven't given to her the love she's given back to me,
since she has no career yet,
since she has no close girlfriends right now

that she deserves to have her lesbian friends and relationships.

Now, I don't think it's fair to say that if all of the above weren't there, she wouldn't have SSA, but for the sake of my relationship with her I want to work out these issues! If she in fact has resentment toward me - how can she be comfortable with our relationship while she gets a career and explores her SSA?

And, of course, I feel incredible guilt when these issues are brought up to me.

If I had just held her, loved her more, encouraged her more, etc, things would be fine. (not really)

I told her I thought counseling for our relationship would help us figure out each other. She's dead set against that, afraid that a shrink would just tell us to split up because she's gay. I'm afraid of that too... I think there's got to be someone more willing to work things out and spend time with us than that.

Our conversation ended with both of us crying. She said, "I don't ever want to talk about this again." Meaning all of it. She felt like she was on trial. I thought she had all the answers! She presents herself as being so together. So "in control." I realized that was different when she finally admitted, "I don't know the answers."

After she left for a drive... I realized, and accepted, the fact that our marriage - what it was or what I thought it was - is over. The question is, whether or not I can accept the new marriage.

m.

posted by matt @ 8:59 AM