RE DISCOVERY

experiment...

So, I think I should tell V about our mutual friend - and that I told her V's attracted to women. I think that could be good for all involved: V, me and the girl I pine over. (at least sometimes I pine over her.) When I'm with her, I do get these vibes... I think... or maybe it's me and this "I wonder what she's thinking" that I have in my mind when I'm with her. You know, it's just a feeling. A feeling we could have something.

So, maybe I'm a hypocrite for critizing V's internet activities... I mean, I'm doing it. I should just tell her and tell her that I'm going to keep doing it - have my online friends, my other friends, etc. I wonder what she'd do? Would she flip out? Would she embrace me more? Probably she'd just get pissed and tell me it's unfair. I should find out, I guess.

Valentine's day was okay. We expressed our love to each other, but I find I'm longing for this passion... passion I remember from years past. See, that's the thing: an old married couple, it's not as exciting as a new friend and lover. V tells me she wants me to court her. I just can't right now. I either feel like I'm working twice as hard for half as much or that I'm in competition for her. I can't compete with her emotions for someone else. Can I? I've been there before - boy yes I have - and it just fucking kills ya inside.

Last night V asked more than once if I was okay. "You're really quiet tonight." I didn't want to talk. I don't want to talk.

There are days that I don't know what to do. Today, I'm not sure. Today, I think maybe I'll set aside a "go for broke" day. Jump out of my comfort zone with both feet and see what happens. Tell V, tell sweet girl, tell everybody.

Now, I just gotta decide what day. (chuckle)


??

m.

posted by matt @ 7:16 AM