Serenity Now
In the middle of a terrible thunderstorm - winds howling, tree branches crashing, torrential rainfall - you might wonder if you'll make it through the storm. If it's bad enough, a storm can threaten your home... your shelter.When the storm is over, you survey the damage. Trees down, power's out, roof needs replacing, etc. Some way or another, things will get back to normal. And, perhaps they will never be the same.
This seems like a silly analogy in leu of the hurricane damage in the Gulf Coast... but maybe not. My point is that while things have settled down a bit over the last few weeks with V, the changes... the scars remain. We get into arguments at the drop of a hat. She tells me how I get so irritated at the littlest things and she can't be around that. (I see that she's just as edgy, especially with our daughter.)
So, no Ch.7... which is good. I've consolidated some things to get us to pay off some of our debt. A few weeks ago, my bike was stolen and I'm getting a nice replacement (thanks insurance) that's worth twice my old one. So, V needs a new one too. (sarcasm here). Of course, I'm the dumb ass that said, "oh, you would really notice the difference on such and such bike/frame etc." Which is true, and I meant it. I also meant we'd figure out a way to get her a new bike. I just didn't know she'd use money I think she should use for school. But, the cat's out of the bag now. It's probably the stupidest thing I've done. On the good side, she's thinking of racing, which will potentially make her happy about herself. On the down side... well...
She's got this idea that it will be three years until she's done with enough school to make ends meet on her own. Most of the bills will be moved over into my name and I will pay them from a seperate account. She will keep working to support her school and so on. She needs a place to live in the meantime. Fine. But... I'm not signing up for three years of purgatory.
We have agreed to have separate bedrooms. That's a good start. My plan is to make it through the holidays, then find somewhere to be a couple nights a week away from the house, separate room or not. Essentially, we're roommates. Roommates with a daughter.
I have a call in to a divorce lawyer at the end of this week. I may have to postpone because of work but am looking forward to having a game plan in my pocket by end of November.
My daughter seems to be fine with the idea of dad having his own place. Hope that holds true when she's 13.
Otherwise, I'm stable. I think so anyway. You just adjust... adapt. It's funny, I was reading some old posts on this blog (because some jerks have spammed the comment book - Imagine talking about how you're so upset about something and then the comment posted is, "Hey, great site! Want some porn, Viagra or how about online dating!)
Anyway, the old posts show so much more compassion, so much more feeling for her than I seem to have now. I still love V, but don't call her my girl anymore. I havent' worn my ring in months (actually after she said it was over and I found out she screwed her male cycling buddy.)
Ah, here's something new. I'm planning my own bike trip in December. Alone. Maybe I'll take a cycling buddy!
:) Serenity now.
posted by matt @ 5:11 PM
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