but then...
...we argue about the money situation... I realize again how she's stalling, using, paying no attention to the long term goals.
We fight over stupid shit like the bike pump - and I know damned well why I don't have sex with her anymore.
At least my friend is willing to help me become... "liberated." I'd move out tonight, except it might devastate my daughter.
m.
"agreement and ceasefire"
I've had a couple of good conversations with V lately. The latest was over drinks and dinner last weekend.
"Matt, in many ways... we're over. We'll always have one big common interest, our daughter. And, I think we've both moved on - past the grief and sadness."
I agreed, feeling a sigh of relief inside. Maybe she won't fight me on all this after all... or - she has this false feeling that I will just hang around for her. I won't, but I'll give her a little time.
We also talked about how we'll be good friends in the future. I think it's very very possible... but we have to have our distance, space, divorce. Then it will work.
It's the time of year for cocktail parties. Thursday was one of the first. I had been drinking wine all afternoon, then V and I went to a meeting we both have interest in. When we got home, both a little tipsy... wild and crazy sex - the first in two months. "Just sex, no attachment" she said.. this time I believe her. "I have needs..." she told me. (Hey, I have had needs too... largely unmet for the last decade). I find it a turn on because I think she's finally letting go of me... and is open to me doing some of the crazier things I've wanted to do with her. More sex over the weekend. Maybe I can have some good sex before we settle this for good.
Then, more arguements today about the bills. Sigh... We are soooo over.
short fuse
Last week I talked to my lawyer. Um...a new one, actually. An initial consultation about what to do with all this. Luckily, it was mostly good news - for me anyway. I won't be screwed over... unless she fights me. But even then... she's had plenty of opportunities to get her life together and on the move, despite my career, our family obligations, etc. My lawyer seems to think it would pretty much be an easy file and a judge wouldn't hand me my head on a silver platter. There's also the infidelity issue.
The easiest thing would be for me to have the house and custody. She could then run off and go to school, work, race bikes, whatever. I would just handle it all. I'd have to. She can't afford to keep the house.
Speaking of which, she is jobless now. She/we are sorting out all our things and gave away a TON of crap to charity. More this week. Also, seperate rooms are on the way. I will give her time... but not much. She hasn't moved one inch toward going back to school.
She has asked me a couple times if I think about having sex with her. Not really. "Why do you ask?" I said. "Just wondering. Are you sleeping with anyone else?" she said. She's not fooling me... In fact, she doesn't think about sex with me anyway... if I look back and read over these pages, I am reminded how she always is thinking of someone else between her legs. I think she's just horny - and "needs" me. Hmmm... we'll see. I think I'd rather hook up a webcam and take my chances. lol!
Regardless, it felt weird to call and ask for a consulation about divorce. Ten years ago, five years ago, I never thought the day would come. But it has... and I can't wait until it's over someday.
m.
