RE DISCOVERY

one small decision

The biggest realization from last weekend was that my marriage, as I knew it to be, was over. It's clear to me that she wants it her way... and that's it. Her discovery is more important than our relationship. I accept that. I'm disappointed though... even when she tells me she loves me and that she wants to grow old with me - because the message I get is this:

"I really love you and want you to be with me forever. I'm just going to do this other... no matter how you feel about it." Is that love? I guess it is if I decide to stick it out and love her anyway.

She keeps saying, "I know you're going to leave me," and "when you leave me, let's have a family day together." Well, yeah. I might leave. Someday. That doesn't mean I don't love her - I love her more than anybody. But, I have to make sure I'm happy too. And someday, someday I might decide I'm happier just loving her from afar. I could still see her a lot, call her, kiss her - she's the mother of my child! I'd just be free.

But that won't happen now. For now, I'll just "go with the flow."

m.

posted by matt @ 8:02 AM