RE DISCOVERY

can i figure out what to say

The time is coming... I'm afraid there will be a showdown.

I guess I've started pulling away from her. And, for whatever reason, she seems to know something is up. This is the first time that V has started saying things to me like "you just want to play the field" and "do you love me?" Sigh... this drives me nuts.

Yes, I guess I would like to "play the field." I would like to have the freedom to experience new relationships, but not take time away from my daughter. In fact, I can't even see myself dating anybody. That would probably be bad for my daughter. I could still be over at the house a lot, helping out, staying with my little girl. V would be much, much more free to experience relationships with women. Lesbians don't like married women, you know...! (not to mention that women don't like married men!)

And, of course I love her. I just think it's in a different way than before. Remember when I realized that my marriage I thought I had was over? Well, it is. Things ARE different now. And, V still loves women. That hasn't changed. I think she's just afraid that I'll leave her and she'll be f****d.

So how about this scenario: V and I decide to separate... not legally but just in our minds. I share a place with my friend downtown and can stay there a couple nights a week. I will still be helping out with our little girl and V can still do her things in the evenings (running, etc) and we'll just work things out. Just a couple nights a week I have the option to do something else. V then can also go out and explore other women and see if she can make that work.

Maybe we'll decide it sucks and get back together. Or, maybe we'll have figured out how to live fulfilling lives with other relationships and still get together the three of us for family gatherings.

I suppose my thoughts are a bit jaded as I am quite taken with someone I met about a week ago. One the one hand, I don't know her very well, but on the other - we have talked for several hours about every topic imaginable... including religion, politics and sex. I like her an awful lot and that complicates things.

And briefly, F is going back to her husband. He moved back in - details are vague but they're giving it another shot. The bad part is that I cannot call her anymore and barely get emails... her H knoweth not what she do with me... So, that sucks.

But time will tell all - and soon. V is still going to see her friend in a few weeks (and I'm still not sure their relationship just yet, maybe they don't know either). And, I'll decide what exactly I'm going to say to V.

If I tell her about my scenario, I expect V to fight me on it. Unless she comes home from her trip head over heels.

Bottom line, there's this ache in my gut right now.

so... whatya think?

posted by matt @ 3:38 PM