RE DISCOVERY

so are you with me...?

Have you ever just wanted more?  You like what you
have, in fact, you LOVE what you have.  But, you just
want more.

I think that's what is happening with V.  She, I
think, loves me.  Well, I know she does... I think it's as a deep friendship at
least.  Maybe even classified as a deep friendship
with benefits.  After all, we have a child together,
faced some difficulty in our lives and have moved all
over the country together.  We've discovered more
about ourselves and each other. 

Recently, I've told V. that I support (and in fact,
encourage) her in her quest to explore, discover and
satisfy her need to be with a woman.  She says it's
not about sex... but it is certainly about intimacy
and all the infatuation that goes along with the
discovery of a new person.

Well, I understand that.  It's easy to get caught up
in the excitement of a new friend/lover. 

V. is going up to see her new friend (meet for the
first time actually) in a few weeks.  They are both
trying to figure out their issues (although V's
friend's husband isn't nearly as "progressive" as I in
this situation.)  V has said she isn't interested in
physical intimacy with this girl... but I wonder.  If
it happens like last time, I'll hear about it when she
gets home.  I'm ready this time. 

Our home life is okay these days.  We get along and
are good friends most of the time.  Sex is occasional
and pretty much the usual (some would say that oral on
her and then a nice fuck is more than "usual" but
that's the way it is for us.)  However, we do bicker
and argue.  And, I don't think V has any capability to
apologize about anything.  It's always my fault, or we
just focus on my anger or my reaction instead of her
too.  And, after ten years... I'm just weary.  I'm not
the one who has changed all this, she has.  And that's
okay, but I guess I just expect that SHE would be the
one to put forth a little extra effort.  Instead, the
attitude seems to be, "I'll do whatever I want, and
you just pretend like everything's the same." 

So, we had a pretty good discussion the other night.
V asked about F, and what she was up to.  Simply put,
she's working on divorcing her H.  Of course, I talk
to her pretty frequently, so it isn't that simple.
Anyway, V and I get into a discussion and I put out
some new vibes:  I like F a lot!  I think V should go
be with a woman.  I set a tone of not being all hung
up and insecure about her and her other relationships,
trips, friends and such.  And, I reiterated that I
would be responsible for making myself happy. 

She seemed content with that but wanted to make sure I
wasn't going to run off and be the man to someone
else's family.  (I couldn't do that to my little
daughter.)  For now, more waiting.  And, some of my
own exploration and discovery.  What do I want,
ultimately?  Not another family.  No more kids.  I
love my daughter...LOVE HER!  But, that's all I want.
Just special little her!! 

I still love V too.  It's just a different feeling -
it take time to get used to the fact that your "one
and only" isn't really your one and only. 

Which brings up the concept of polyamory or loving
more than one person.  I think it's society that says
you can't love or be with more than one person.  I
think you can successfully love more than one partner,
including sex.  It's taken a while for me to come to
that conclusion - but I think it is definitely
possible.

Theoretically, it will work.  Logistically, I'm not
sure.

matt.  

posted by matt @ 6:35 AM