RE DISCOVERY

so, she says she's back

It's been a nice weekend... that is after getting past the problems with V's new job that apparently SUCKS! She really wants to go back to school... and the fact that she can't sends her into a deep depression. So, after doing some things for herself to get that work situation under control, the rest of the weekend was about us. Or... sort of. I spent all Saturday working and part of Sunday too. Too damned busy at work... but I do like it because it does keep my mind off home life - and I really enjoy my work. I did spent two great days last week with my daughter and I think it really helped me bond with her.

Alright, so after looking over our finances, the discussion turned to us and whether or not I wanted to be with V. I told her all about the separation scenario - which scared her. She told me about how she doesn't want anything to do with a woman. She doesn't need that - she's done that - she knows what it's like now, but stopped short of saying "it was just a phase and I'm over it now." "Relationships with women take so much effort," she said. Well, yeah!

She said that we've been through so much together: job loss, death, moving around the country and just trying to establish ourselves. (That's true.) We do have an incredible history together, good and bad. She also said that she just wouldn't want to reestablish all that again with someone else and that she wants us to grow old and be financially independent together. She doesn't want one or both of us to be struggling in our old age.

Then she wanted to know all the people who I have told about her SSA. She convinced me taht it's her right to know who knows her "deepest darkest secret." (of course, I felt like crap after she said that...) So, I told her the five people I've told... including the newest person who knows... a collegue of mine that I have met recently and grown extremely fond of. Of course, that really worried V, as she says she could tell I had made a connection with this person after a recent business trip. In fact, she was and is very concerned about this business trip and what it and future ones will mean for the two of us.

Anyway, we left the conversation with V professing her love and committment and me telling her I love her and agreeing to try and plug back into the relationship (establishing the bond - I think she said.) I do love her, and I think it would be foolish to unplug right now. Besides, divorce or separation has tremendous consequences on our daughter.

Regardless, I still feel at this moment that my heart has changed. But, I also think I MUST give this situation time. Time for me to evaluate, time to give things a chance, time to make it clear how I feel about things and the persons in my life.

so... whatya think?

posted by matt @ 12:55 PM