RE DISCOVERY

it's not the same thing... !

She's got so many issues...

She doesn't have her own career.
She doesn't have her own friends.
She doesn't have her own life.
She wants to be with a woman.

It was really sad. The other day, we had lunch together at a really nice restaurant. Suddenly, things just went downhill. She's afraid she'll never get her own career. We don't have the money to send her back to school. Well, we'll figure out a way. I'm working on it.

She doesn't believe me, though - and when the lunch was over, she tearfully said - "I hate my life."

shit. That suggests that there's really nothing good about us. Is there anything? Do I make her happy at all? Or, does she just blame me for her dependence on me?

She used to be so very dependent on me. She wanted to know where I was, what I was doing. She's been dependent on my career - and unhappy with how it's turned out. She says I haven't supported her. Not true, I HAVE supported her - but haven't pushed her to finish school, etc. So, she still is dependent on me, to a large extent. I think that's why she gets so upset when she sees I could move on if I lose her - even part of her. Mind you, I don't want to give up any of her, but that's not what she wants/needs. I feel like we're in such a stalemate right now.

There are two issues here. One: She feels she has no independent life of her own. Two: She is attracted to women, and wants a relationship. So, the equation turns out to be: Since I don't have anything independent in my life - I'm going to be a lesbian and thus, that exploration is to be independent.

I think that she wants to tell me everything about her discoveries for HER benefit, not mine. Sure, it helps me cope to know a lot about what's going on - but come on, do I really need to come up with a girl's name for her right before she comes? Sometimes, that's torture! Imagine coming up with - and talking about an incredible sexual fantasy - together. Then, you learn that if the fantasy ever happens, it will be a one-way fantasy without you. And, you can't ever talk about your fantasies - let alone act on them.

No, nope - I don't like being "supportive" of her bi/lesbian tendencies - giving her the fantasies, playing along until - UNTIL a woman comes along. Then, I sit alone in the waiting room while she runs off and explores. Am I being selfish here? Maybe if she needs her own things: relationships, career, friends, etc., I should just be a silent supporter. Don't get me wrong. I do support her discovering, or rediscovering, her life. It's just so f***ing hard to wait and ride the roller coaster. Granted, it's only been one woman so far - but she fell into this one - emailing, sending hot pics, having sex.

Good thing is, seems there are no other friends/lovers in the game this week or next. Or, at least I don't think so. But, she's been in contact with H again this week.

We did have some good "mind-blowing" sex the other night.

m.

posted by matt @ 8:25 AM