RE DISCOVERY

let's not be hasty now...

She says to me:

"I've given so much of myself to you... your career, helping you overcome your insecurity... I just can't deal with you being insecure about this (lesbianism)." Gee, thanks. I'm actually working on my own insecurities... what's left of them. And, as I've been thinking, I've realized this:

I was tremendously insecure as a young adult, especially around women. I can count numerous girls that I could have, should have dated - but fucked it all up because I was so damned insecure! So, I'd like to work on that. Now. Because I'm not as insecure anymore. I'd like to date other women, frankly. That would really be exciting! I have several female friends and I really enjoy their company. Each one of them, individually, for their own special uniqueness. And, I expect it would be very fulfilling to take one of my friends, or some girl I meet in the future... take her out, flirt, romance her a little... whatever.

But, I don't think she could handle it. She already says, "I think you're going to leave me." I don't want to... I have no reason to dump all that I have for... uh... what, a friend where there's nothing going on? Sometimes, she seems really paranoid. (Does that give me the upper hand?)

And yes, sometimes I think it would be better for us to cut our losses and find new loves... rid ourselves of the baggage - so to speak. I feel like I've tainted her sometimes... I did yell at her, I did make her feel bad... yeah, a couple times could have been classified as verbal abuse (never physical). Hell, I've thought this out before she came out to me... she seemed so distant and pissed at me! I'm not the perfect guy at all, but she seems to have absolutely NO give! And she knows it.

But, isn't that what everlasting love is? Loving someone even after the storms are over? Looking back with your friend and saying, "we survived that... now we can survive anything!" That's what I think I have here... but I don't like being told, "I can't deal with your problem here" when frankly, I didn't start this. And, I keep trying to talk about it with her - and she angrily closes the door. Am I being unfair?

still love her...

m.

posted by matt @ 6:52 AM