putting a blindfold on
Since my last post, not much has changed. Our agreement still seems to stand firm, although it's not been tested by either of us. Same bickering though.
About a week or so, V was tremendously angry. Something's going on with her, either at work or with a relationship or friend. Then, she takes things out on me. I'm not nice to her, I don't do things, etc... She's obviously frustrated over something. After the arguement, an email to me stating deep love for me... yet hurt to think about me. "I wish you made me happy again," it said. My response was one of love for her (which I genuinely have), but a question of "why?" Why do you hurt? What is going on? I finished the note with the statement, "Either we need to take significant steps to repair our relationship or just jump off the deep end and realize we are better off apart."
No response yet.
The other night, on the way home after having some drinks, we talked. After my joking about the "lesbian house party" she could have while I'm gone to Europe, I asked her if she'd tell me if she slept with someone while I was gone. (She already told me she didn't want to know if I did.) Her answer, "no." The reason? "Because you'd just get upset." I explained that with new freedoms comes less resentment... a whole lot less. At least for me. And with that freedom... I'd really want to know about her sexcapades with a woman. It is hot...
Now, my trip is postponed, leaving me and V childless for almost two weeks. We're going on a weekend trip together in the middle... maybe we'll continue to work things out. If we could really both get past the hurt, fear and jealousy... we could have a fun, lasting, fullfilling relationship.
But, I don't really expect that to happen.
so... whatya think?
a change of pace
C and I came to an agreement that we can both see who we want. This after I explained to her something I'd been trying to articulate for a while now. Basically, it went like this:
"There are some things, certain things that turn me on sometimes. Various little quirks that sometimes just make me crazy - and on other days... I could take it or leave it. That's how I see that you view me... sometimes you are really interested in me, I really turn you on. Other days, perhaps most days, your sexual thoughts are directed toward being with a woman. And that's okay." (she agreed with me on this point.)
"I have a much bigger sex drive than you. Always have and probably always will. Now, I was okay with that because you and I were together and I think it's hard for two people to have exactly matching sex drives. (although these days I think it might be easier to match that.) But, since your lower sex drive is divided up between me and other women - and you want to be able to fulfill that desire. Fine. But I want to be able to fulfill my drive as well."
She did agree with this... the first time since she came out. She said she wants me to be happy and if that's what I want then fine. She also said later that she felt another woman would eventually want more than I could give her.
So, on the one hand, it seems like a breakthough in sort out/working things out. On the other hand, is it another attempt to keep me attached?
so... whatya think?
that's what I thought... or, weighing the pros and cons
Just to update from the last time: I discovered that V did want to have sex with her friend she visited not long go. Apparently, the feelings were not mutual. And, I think V didn't take it well at all (and let her know in front of her) and the relationship has since ended.
So, on to the next one. Although... there appears to be nothing on the horizon right now for her. Or, there is... and I don't know about it. V does work for a gay woman now. She also has made a new friend who admitted she's had threesomes with three women. So, the "network" is still alive.
This summer we are taking some vacation time separately. I'll have a weekend or two by myself and will be leaving the country for a week. I will also probably attend a conference in Chicago by myself (more for financial reasons), and V will be travelling to a cycling event by herself with her team (again because of money.)
It is easy to become complacent when looking at our home life. Nice house, comfortable - especially if we're just there by ourselves. We need more room: there's no personal space. Sure, we get along together - especially during 'family' events. I don't think either of us long to be with each other.
Pros and cons:
Pros: for me, freedom to see who I want and perhaps get into a relationship that gives me more of what I need.
Cons: If V goes off the deep end, it could be a messy split. If I do it before V's career is on track, I give her most of what little I have. Most importantly, it could be very hard on our daughter. Despite how close she and I are, she'd probably side with her mother. Heartbreaking. And, finally, I'd miss our home, our life we've built together.
All in all, it's just not bad enough to leave... YET.
make sense??
