always on opposite sides
Recently, V and I have been bickering at each other...
a lot. Just, bitter, stalemate arguments. Neither one of us are very nice to each other. We're both hurt. Neither one of us trusts each other. We both lash out at the other when they are the least bit nice.
And there's double standards. For example: I got a tremendous amount of grief after my outing with F. "What did you talk about? Did you kiss her? Etc, etc." But, it's fine if V goes to a cycling event with a whole bunch of guys and stays in a hotel with whoever (there was a shortage of rooms) but
I can't ask any questions or express any concern (or perhaps a bit of jealousy) over the whole situation.
"I'm going to have friends," she says. But, her friends, (now all male, mostly - albeit married) meet three times a week to ride. It's not that I mind her having a group to ride with (I am envious, yes as my so called cycling group has fallen apart). It's that she's so adament about it - and when I questioned her staying with one particular man (and another girl) in his room she said, "Well, if I did have something going on with him - I wouldn't tell you."
That's comforting. And, btw, this isn't about her "having friends," it's about understanding and setting some guidelines.
So, V returned from her weekend (which the event was fabulous for her - and something she feels she needs to call her own) and I thought she was really feeling connected to me. After I asked questions about her roommates though, she soured. (Just to be fair, the second night she moved to a room with a girl and her husband.) By Monday, she was "seriously thinking we weren't going to make it." I, of course, was thinking about how she called me all day Saturday during her ride, telling me how she wanted us to both go down there next year. (That has since dried up, she's now saying she's doing this event next year by herself. After all, it's hers, not mine, and I have the rest of my life to attend it.)
She said she doesn't want to talk to me in the evenings because I'm always negative. I try to talk to her or call her during the day and ask her about our finances, logistics of our day (we both work now and have a daughter in school) and she's somewhat curt - and unwilling to talk. When it comes to our relationship, except for a nice lunch yesterday, she's telling me that the conversations are too long and drawn out (my fault.)
Sex has disappeared. It's been at least a month. She won't even be partially unclothed in front of me anymore. A real trick as we both get ready every morning in the same bathroom.
I am strongly considering not just suggesting we separate, but actually following through with it. I could live downtown with a friend and save on gas! My daughter, when asked, told me she thought it would be fun "to go over to Daddy's" sometimes. (btw, she's starting to suffer in school a bit, which is heartbreaking.)
I had lunch with a good female friends last week. She listened to me a bit and noted the following: "Why don't you have a mediator?" and "I think V doesn't know what she wants or who she is." and "She needs to find her own identity."
People change. I have changed. V has changed. I haven't been good to V all the time over our relationship. In fact, I've been pretty shitty at times. V has been good to me for the most part. Things changed after we had a child. That's common. I've adjusted to less from her. But, the girl who said, "I'll move anywhere you want to go" has grown to resent that. She's grown to resent the business I'm in: "You're a shallow person now. Just like all the people in the ____ business." (that hurts btw, I'm not shallow.)
She's upset. Upset with me, upset with herself (I think) because she doesn't know what she wants, she doesn't have what she wishes she had, upset with where we live, upset with it all.
I adore our child. I am SO afraid of how this all will affect her.
Here's the glimmer of hope: I went to bed late. I walked into the room and leaned over to kiss V. She woke up startled, but quickly softened realizing it was me. We hugged, kissed, told each other "I love you" and then went to sleep. She initiated an "I love you" this morning. As long as there's still a spark...
On another note, F called me today. The first time I've talked to her since our little get together. Ah, she is still in the same stalemate situation... except both her H and her are dating. (uh, so she's not considering dating me then, I guess.) She then explained how she's too busy to get together for a long while. Thanks, F. I get the picture.
It seems that there's very little that's good going on right now. So, I'll call one of my female friends who recently broke up with her bf. She's alone and depressed right now. Maybe we could comiserate over a beer...
(disclaimer: Those of you who are regular readers here will probably roll your eyes and wonder, "WTF?" The posts from here on are my attempt to keep track of day to day events and my feelings on the issues as I work on counseling - and try a last ditch effort to save this marriage.)
update from the homefront
While I realize that nothing has changed really... plenty has changed. And while I realize that I post the same shit over and over... there may be a glimmer of hope.
So, since our out of town trip, V and I have argued... lots. Everyday or every other day. And, it goes without saying, that there has been NO intimacy at all. In fact, V doesn't even dare expose herself in front of me at all these days.
The arguments have been about everything. Mostly though, it's how I treat her, she says. Here's a brief rundown of the last couple weeks:
Got back from out of town trip (see last post.) By ourselves, no child. Arguing. Talk of separation, talk of me proving I still want to be in this relationship.
Went to pick up child. Rode together in car for several hours and argued most of the way. The thing I remember the most is that her honest answer to my honest question of "who is it and how much" I was 75% and she is 25%. (Funny, I think it's mostly her.) More discussion of getting a counselor (my sole responsibility) and how me working that out will "prove" I want us to work.
Then a week of dealing with V's brother and how he treated our child while she was there. (long story, not appropriate here. ) We got along somewhat until Friday, and an event at a gallery where I have a piece presented. Our child was cranky, it was crowded and hot, and V felt like I ignored her. She announced "I'm leaving and you're coming with me," to which I replied, "No, I'm not." This fueled the biggest argument to date. We've argued every day since then about our daughter, my work schedule and hers - and everything else it seems.
Later that weekend however, we discussed many things. How we don't communicate with each other, the misinterpretations, etc. Finally, she said she wanted to work things out. "The next year will make or break us." She's right. And I keep thinking about the alternative: divorce. I mean, if we can't work out the schedules between us now... how will it be better after a divorce? We will really be divided and that can't be good for our child.
It's a day by day process. Most of the days are kinda crappy right now. Much anger, resentment on both sides. I admit, neither of us seem to want to try very hard right now. There's so much anger and hurt from the past... it is so tough to get past it.
We really do need a mediator. I will find one, if even just for me. Maybe that person can read my blog. It'd save about five sessions I think. :)
so... whatya think?
so why do I stay on board?
I guess it's because of my daughter. And, the fact that either me or V will be screwed in the end financially. Probably me.
We talked this morning... after a mediocre weekend out of town. V did things I've never seen her do: make a scene at a restaurant and then stop off by herself - all because she wanted her plans to happen, not what was best for both of us for the day. I didn't get to do all of my plans either...
Frankly, we are better off apart. Doing our own thing, our own friends, our own lives. Getting together for a "date" and then being apart again. It makes it so much more complicated with a child though. Neither of us wants to hurt her.
I really think trial separation would be good. We're already looking at splitting up finances (only because she's overwhelmed with it all.) Fine with me.
I wish our house was bigger. I wish we lived apart but nearby. I wish I'd known then what I know now. I wish I was more grown up back then and had the self esteem I have now.
Our child comes back home from vacation in a few days. Then, the hectic schedule of school and work and busy-ness. Last summer when we were alone, V and I were really close. This year, we're much, much farther apart.
V says that it's up to me to find a counselor. It will prove whether or not I really want to work things out. Frankly, I think a counselor will find it all hopeless. I'll do it though... because I think V thinks things that she won't admit or say and I hope that a counselor might break that loose. Of course, it probably won't happen that way... and it will end up being me, and my fault.
Well, so be it.
the test
V's took our daughter to see her grandma. I was always planning on staying home, as it was a quick turnaround.
Until, V found out that I had plans with F the night before she was going to leave. Suddenly, I need to drop everything and go with her. It was, as she put it, the test of how I really care about her. It told the truth about my commitments, loyalty, etc. I thought it was a manipulative attempt to screw up my plans and be controlling.
So I stayed home. And, went out with F. We had a nice time - a few drinks, dinner and sat at the riverfront in the cool night air and talked for hours. No sex, but lots of talk about it.
All hell broke loose when she came back. I was hiding things, I wasn't telling her everything, she wasn't trying to ruin my plans - she really needed me, she always drops everything for me, I don't do anything nice for her...
Of course I didn't tell her everything! I wasn't hiding, I told her I was meeting F. She was trying to ruin my plans, I think she thought I was going to stay overnight - because that's what I think SHE would have done.
We had a long discussion when she returned. She says the previous agreement of mutual freedom is still valid. Apparently, I'm supposed to tell her all my desires and plans before I even make them. I want to. But, if she will meddle and work to screw them up all the time - fuck that!
that's the latest...
