a slight bit of relief...
We talked. Again. Last night. We were going to have
sex, but she was too tired. Frankly, I wasn't in the
mood either.
In the course of our pillow talk, she said that she
didn't want me to be upset. I asked her if by that
she meant:
She really wanted me to be okay with it all OR
She was sorry it hurt me so much.
I forget exactly how I worded it, but that was the
idea. I was trying to find out if she was concerned
for my feelings about things, or if she was merely
wanted me to be agreeable to whatever and not be
unhappy.
I really think it's the latter.
My relief comes from this: She seemed to be a little
miffed at my plans to have lunch with a mutual friend
(although I've known her longer.) We both said we
found her attractive. Maybe she does care about our
relationship falling apart. I don't know. More about
that later.
m.
but we need each other... don't we?
I told her that I was afraid of losing her. Not in the physical sense... (she's afraid, VERY afraid I will leave her over this,) but in the emotional sense.
I can see it in her eyes... she's thinking about something anyway. It's been odd the last few days - we both sit together in silence, thinking. I can't get into her head, nor she into mine. "What are you thinking about?" she'll say sometimes. Sometimes, I tell her.
See, this is the girl who used to reach over and grab my arm in the middle of the night to see if I'm still breathing! I used to go on business trips and there would be a blinking light on my phone when I got into the hotel. (I liked all that attention, really - even though it was occasionally annoying.) As you get older, though... (as I've noticed from other older couples I know) you don't "check in" as much. I think usually that's because of a high level of comfort between two people... So, that's what makes it hard, I guess. The girl who needed me so much - now realizes she needs a relationship with a woman. She says she needs me too... and doesn't want to lose me. Losing me, and everything to go along with it, would be more devistating than losing this relationship.
I can't get onto her, or "make her" do anything. If I told her, "you can't do this" then she'd either be depressed, leave, or be in a situation to do something without telling me. What good is that? All I can do is be honest. But, I also tell her when I hurt.
So, for now, I think I'll just let it ride. I guess I have hope - hope that this will all work itself out. What if it's a passing fancy? Would she have been so tremendously open if she really wanted to chuck it all and be a lesbian? If not, and it ends someday, I guess I will have seen it coming. I don't have a false sense of security - that's for sure!
What's the Sting song? "If You Love Somebody, Set Them Free."
You go then, baby...
the hardest night of my marriage
...there she was. My sexy girl. Red V neck sweater,
thong to match, khaki pants. All dressed up, (and
yes) somewhere to go. It was her first overnight at
H's. She was excited, but seemed to keep it in for
me.
I knew she had been looking forward to it all week.
Lots of emailing, back and forth. She asked if she
could stay the night... I said yes, but asked about
whether or not this was 'the night.' "It's only the
second date," she said. But we both knew.
It was the hardest thing to do... sending her out the
door to sleep with someone else. This is the girl
who, when we were first together, wanted to know where
I was all the time. She needed to be with me. Wanted
to talk, hold, etc.
Anyway, she had a good experience. Maybe a great one,
I don't know. She told me all about it - a pretty
detailed account, actually - what she did, what she
was thinking... what happened afterward. (Thank you,
baby - that means a lot.) I laid in our bed and
listened. And, wasn't turned on in the least. I
don't think I'd find her g/f a turn on, actually.
I hadn't cried in years until that Saturday night. I
cried again when she got home. I think she knows this
is hurting me, but the feelings are so strong for her.
Thus, her relationship with this woman will continue,
at least for now. She needs it, I know that.
m.
she said it was HOT!
We'd planned on spending time later that night... but in a spontaneous mood she said, "wanna lick my pussy?"
And I did. And, as usual, I loved it. It's great to make her happy - see her cum. Of course, she called out the name of her new friend during her climax, after asking me if it was okay. I let her.
She then spent a great amount of time pleasing me. And her finger ended up inside me. That was nice and it turned her on so much that she rode my face when we finished for a second round. It was our first time doing it that way, and I liked holding her like that while she came...
Afterward, she told me about the image in her head... riding my face... and how hot it was. And, that while her first orgasm was "with her new friend," the second one was ALL me.
:| hmmm...
Of course, we'd been having sex like that for months... both of us fantasizing about a woman going down on her while I licked her. It's just everything is so damned imminent - she's going over to her place tomorrow.
m.
i'm sorry
letter to my baby...
i'm sorry that i yelled at you on one of our first dates and made you cry.
i'm sorry that i didn't think to say "i want to spend the rest of my life with you" on our wedding video.
i'm sorry that i didn't know how to comfort you when our baby died.
i'm sorry that we've had to move all over the country.
i'm sorry that i put my parents and siblings ahead of you earlier in our relationship.
i'm sorry that i didn't just sit and hold you when your father died.
i'm sorry about so many things...
(to be continued...)
some extra for me too?
Last night was the first time she said, "you should look at that site," meaning the marriedmatch.com or something like it. So, I did. And, I signed up. It does seem very fun, and I suppose, it's a golden opportunity to experience some other people - either as a friend or lover. There sure seems to be a hell of a lot of people out there looking for extracurricular sex and such.
I guess we'll see what happens. I put my picture up... hope nobody I know sees it.
Still, I'd give anything to put it all back to the monogamous relationship we once had.
so... whatya think?
a river of tears rush out...
So, it's already going on... at least in her mind. I can tell.. I know her too well. She's gaga for this woman. She says she hasn't had sex with her yet, but I'm not sure. Maybe some "heavy petting?" She deserves it... anyone who has wanted a lesbian relationship for two years should be happy to finally be heading toward that pleasure.
As for me? I dunno. I want her to be happy. I love her. She's said that she wants to grow old with me. I hope so, but I am so scared that I'll end up with a marriage that's hollowed out in the intimacy department. For now anyway, we still have sex.
I can't help but wonder what our sex will be like when she's fully involved with a woman. My fear is that she'll either not want to be with me, or do it out of obligation. I guess I need to be pro-active and give her the best hetero-sex I can - even though I feel like pulling back right now.
And, I'd move heaven and earth to have her back with me: body, mind, spirit - all to myself. It hurts.
so... whatya think?
is she slipping away?
ohhh... crap. We had a HUGE arguement. It was pretty bad, so I posted this note on a newsgroup I belong to.
Here's my story - any and all comments appreciated!
My beautiful wife of eight years came out over the summer. She
realized that she has always had an attraction to women
but never acted on it. She wants to explore that now, and is looking
for a 'friend with benefits.' She's been trying really
hard the last few weeks and hasn't found much yet.
C spent some time over the last couple years working in a place where
there are lots of gay/bisexual people around - she made many friends
who were gay. C took a hiatus from the job to see if
it was the environment that was causing her to think about lesbian
encounters, but ultimately has decided it's something she
always wanted and needs to explore.
When C told me about this over the summer, I listened and was
supportive. How could I not be?
(She'd been dropping hints and I realized it was a possibility - and
in fact, thought this might 'open up' our marriage.)
I told her I would support her. She told a few friends about her
'coming out' to me, and they all are apparently very
impressed by me that I am so supportive and didn't just kick her out
of the house.
Soon after, we had lots of incredible hot sex. Yes, it's a turn-on to
think about my girl having lesbian sex. At first, she
was repulsed by the idea of licking a woman, but after some role
playing/fantasy talk during our sex sessions, she now feels
ready for - and is looking forward to - her first encounter with a
woman.
C said at first that she was just going to wait until the situation
fell into her lap. I encouraged her to explore this now,
I guess to help us both find out the depth of this situation.
All the time through this, I kept talking about us having an open
marriage. She is dead-set against that. If I have sex
with another woman, that's not fair - If I have sex with another man,
that's too dangerous. No threesomes she says
because that's not love, or caring about the other person and besides,
"someone's always left out in a threesome."
Lately, it's come to a boil. C seems to be on the computer all the
time; checking emails, trying to find someone. I think
perhaps it's starting to put our family on the back burner. She says
it isn't - and I have been working 7 days a week for
the past several weeks. It could be that I'm home now suddenly, and
haven't had time to adjust to her alternative activities.
I feel guilty too. I haven't been the best husband. I work alot, and
am not the most romantic person. (Creative yes, just
not on a regular basis.) My job has kept us living apart for a few
weeks or months at a time. Add to that our debt, the
fact that she wants to go back to school and feels "trapped" and we
have a situation brewing.
Our arguement this weekend left me looking at "marriedmatch.com." I
think my own extra affair might (MIGHT) be a small,
soothing comfort. C walked in on me (was supposed to be showering)
and got
pissed. "Fine, I'll stop looking for women and you stop looking at
those sites. " she angriliy said.
(that won't work - she'll just resent meand leave eventually anyway.)
This weekend was the first time that she talked about our divorce. We
have a lot of debt, and
she talked about paying it all off in five years - she gets a job or
goes back to school and then we can split. Yeah, I
guess she's stuck with me to an extent - we also have a young daughter
too in private school.
So, I don't know what to do. It's hard to just sit and wait and see
what happens. I am afraid she'll find the relationship
she wants with a woman - and I'll just be the chump sitting at home
(who's so great cuz he's so supportive!) with the hollowed
out shell of a relationship. (she takes great offense when I say
this... it's an insult to her that I would even think
she'd do such a thing.
Bottom line is, I LOVE HER! She's my best friend and sometimes, I
feel betrayed.
Is it so wrong to want her all to myself? Sure, she can have friends
and other interests... but I either want an open or closed
marriage - the same for both of us.
She calls me selfish for wanting an open marriage for both of us...
I want to share sex with others and have my wife there with me. I
feel she wants it all for herself while
I sit at home and man the fort.
so... whatya think?
too damned busy
haven't posted in a while... been too damned busy.
But, my baby is willing to help me 'relieve some stress' when I get home at 9 o'clock every night.
She does spend a lot of time on the computer though...
honey - i'm sorry i haven't been around much.
love, me
