RE DISCOVERY

calm for now

well, the past week or so has been relatively quiet, yet not uneventful. My girl has been having a lot of depression. Simply put, she wants a different life (or maybe "a life") that she doesn't have now. It's bothered her tremendously... and she finally said something last week. I didn't know - I mean, I thought she had this all planned out. And, she does - in a way. Back to school in the summer and that, someday, will probably triple our income. Well... if we stay together.

She asked me yesterday if I would always be her friend. Yes, I'll always be her friend. "Even if we live across the street from each other," she asked. Hmm... On the one hand, I guess it might be nice to have my own living quarters - and still be married to her.

I told her yesterday, "I am wondering if someday you'll tell me, 'I love you, but I belong with a woman.'" You should have seen the look on her face. She said, "I can't tell you that it won't happen." Okay. But I can't and won't sit around and wait until you decide. We can be friends - deeply attached friends who love each other and have other relationships.

You know, she has said to me, "You already have a woman." Thus, I don't need another one. Well, I have a woman, yes. But, do I have one that's committed to me the same way other married women are committed to their husbands? I don't know about that. I can see the emotional separation - perhaps it's because I'm looking for it - but it's there.

And so, I can adjust. She may not like it, but I will not be put into HER closet while she figures this out. I truly enjoy and cherish the few female friends I have right now. Nothing sexual, at least not now, but that isn't the point, really.

so... whatya think? m.

posted by matt @ 2:26 PM