RE DISCOVERY

Happy New Year

So... this is 2005. And, I'm a bit wiser. I hope.

I rang in the New Year with my honey and two of our friends. We were at a nice little nightclub with a few dozen others, some wine and champaigne. V seemed in fairly good spirits, throughout the evening. Lucky for her we ran into her gay friends at the restaurant! She could then tell these guy friends (who seem very nice BTW) about how her lesbian party plans were f'd up at the last minute.

She seemed even happier after seeing her friends. They're all going out in a couple weeks - which is fine. The couple we were with have to know something is going on with all the hints V dropped, such as "We're going out in a couple weeks for C's birthday... you wouldn't want to come, Matt." "Maybe I would," I said. Later, V tells me, "It's a gay thing, you wouldn't like it." In other words, "I don't want you to be there."

I think I would "like it" fine. But, I'm beginning to not like it. Why does "gay" have to be a private club? I'm the most liberal person I know... but I gotta tell ya, she keeps slamming the door on me. Maybe I don't want to go out with her and her gay friends - but why keep all that hidden? Does she want to experiment without me knowing - and what exactly does that experimentation mean?

V's really upset by the latest blowout with H. I listened and listened to her talk about it, not knowing what to say. Finally I asked, "Why is this different from (one of your other gay friends you had a falling out with)? The answer: because she slept with her. (Although, she and I both know that she rushed into it too fast, nevertheless - there's an emotional attachment there, even though she says that H treats her like crap.)

She told me during one of our arguements over the holidays that she wishes she'd never come out to me. That way, she could experiment without all the "scrutiny" and then tell me later if something significant developed. Sounds like a precursor to what will happen next - pretending to do have platonic friends while pursuing intimate relationships.

I told her that I had come to grips with a few things, especially the idea that during specific holidays and specific events I wouldn't expect to spend them with her. I felt relieved by that realization - I thought she would as well. However, she tearfully told me that she was afraid that I would stop loving her and pull away - slowly.

She said, "Maybe I'll decide that even though I am attracted to women, I don't want to pursue a relationship. I'll have some answers for you by next New Year's Eve? Can't I have a year to figure some things out? "

"Yeah," I replied. But, I realized that I've already pulled away somewhat. Yeah, bottom line is that she can (and probably will) do whatever she wants. I just have to be okay with that. She can have her year of diversity festivals, lesbian parties, special friends... it's fine. It really is. And I will pursue my own things. And, during those times when she and I do cross paths, I hope it will be sweet and fulfilling.

Happy 2005 to you... reading my blog.

so... whatya think?

posted by matt @ 3:25 PM