RE DISCOVERY

it's great you have it figured out

V:

So, it's great you have things figured out. You say, "I can make it work. I can have both." (Didn't you always think that?) I'm happy you've found comfort in the online group I told you about. I really thought it would help - both of us. Generally, they're nice people in the same situation as you. Married and Lesbian.

It's a little hurtful that you don't want me to view the site ever again. I understand why... but I found it therapeudic at times too. You need it more. So, I won't look. But, it's another example of "Thanks for steering me in this direction... now (SLAM!) See ya later!"

You don't like it AT ALL when I ask you questions about your discovery process. But, I don't have anyone to talk to about this. Not constructively, anyway. You just want to tell me the few tidbits you want me to know, and then I just smile and go on about my business. After all, you told me last week you loved me. And, we had sex a few days ago. So, that should be good for a while, right? I think I need that from you a little more often.

So, here's what I want to tell you. It's a day to day thing with me. Yeah, I can feel really insecure about all this (SNAP!) just like that. I know the day will come when you are absolutely "head over heels" in love with a woman. You'll have a great love and great sex. And, you'll expect me to sit at home like a puppy dog just waiting, waiting for you to maybe give me some morsel of affection. Can I do that? I dunno. Maybe I can if - when that happens, I have other people in my life too to fill the gap. Remember that up to this point, you've been absolutely AGAINST that.

You know, I DO deserve to have a woman who is attracted to me. I deserve a woman who thinks I'm hot. I deserve a woman who is totally dedicated to me! I deserve a woman who focuses on giving ME hot sex... not (almost) always the other way around. It's not fair that since I would/could have sex everyday that you can say, "well, I can't give it to you everyday anyway... so you shouldn't needle me about it."

On the other hand, you are a lesbian. It's amazing that you want to be with me at all.

Here's the real deal: I don't like that I have absolutely NO control over this. YOU tell ME how you plan to work all this out - today, tomorrow, next year. Even though you say you don't know (and perhaps you don't) what will happen, you sure don't want me giving MY input. Do you think I will somehow squelch you? I can't do that. If you are a lesbian, fine. But I'LL see how I fit into your new life. Isn't that at least partly MY decision?

I guess you have the right to figure things out on your own. And, I have the right not to listen to what you have to say. I have the right to make my own decisions too. Then, we can compare notes and see if we are still compatible as a couple.

You say you want to grow old with me. That's a long time from now. And, even if we do that... I still want to have someone who is deeply, emotionally connected to me. I think you think you can do that. I'm not sure you can. And, I guess I can either wait and see, or dump you and try to find someone else. I don't want to break up our family, so I'll wait and see. At least for now.

You don't want to know when I hurt because it hurts you. So, why don't I quit telling you. I'm getting better at putting a smile on my face. :( :| :)

posted by matt @ 6:17 AM