status quo
Wow... haven't posted in a while I guess because I haven't been stressed out!
It's funny how it works: more posts when I feel bad or something significant is happening, fewer posts when it's all just "partly cloudy."
I also notice lots of traffic from other sites - namely erotica. Sorry, i don't put much erotica on here, although have been known to occasionally.
Anyway, basically V has been okay lately. We've been more like housemates than lovers or married folk - but doesn't every married couple go through that? These days it's hard to discriminate between the regular lulls in a marriage and signs that we'll end up apart - albeit good friends.
V's been working on getting a full time job so she can work on getting back to school and completing her career. Add to that a child in school and the home life is more busy and hectic. On the one hand, V is very busy and I guess has less time for, and desire for, her pursuit of women and such. Maybe. I don't know for sure.
Me, on the other hand, see things as "status quo." I still work the same. I did take on more household chores, especially since V is working more (and has agreed to give them up! Never thought I'd be excited about that!) I absolutely cherish my online friend, F. We are both in complicated situations and I think really enjoy what we give to each other. Where exactly, that relationship will end up - I don't know.
Ah... a boring post. But I'm sure it won't stay that way forever.
so... whatya think?
getting used to it
I guess that's the best way to put it. "Getting used to it." I knew it would happen in time.
Last night I was put out at first. I was planning a really hot, wild night for V. She wasn't really into it - no cuffs, no spanking and she seemed to be in a bad mood to boot!
Turns out, she needed loving sex that night. Mmmm... that's fine. And, I'm the one bringing up hot fantasies to her again. She particularly likes this one about being blindfolded - I'm with her but leave for a minute to bring in a mystery woman. This wonderful woman pleases V and only when she's almost to climax does she take off the blindfold to reveal who it is. (so it's my job to come up with the name of who the mystery girl is... and I'm out of names right now!)
Anyway, as I've always said, if we can both play - this can work!
Online girlfriend F and I talk or email everyday, but still have yet to spend any quality time together. Everything in due time I suppose.
so... whatya think?
thank you, darling...
Hmmm... an interesting weekend, but not for the reasons I thought.
First of all, I had big plans to work all day Saturday and then meet up with my online friend that night. We have actually met once (which is nice because it moves us from us "internet buddies" into a different rhelm. She's very sweet - and a little naughty too... a combination I LOVE!). We were looking forward to relaxing, talking and having a good time under the stars and an incredibly warm evening as the weather's been great here.
Ah, but it didn't happen. She's got a bunch of issues going on at home with her H. She's sad, perhaps heartbroken - even though she says she knew it was coming... that it was going to end this way. Still, she's hurting, and that's so sad. Of course, I TOTALLY understand she needs to be at home, and am just trying to comfort her or whatever I can do for her.
Meanwhile, I had a standing "date" with V sometime this weekend to spend some time alone. :) So, as it turned out that time on Saturday night was more available than previously thought - V and I got "caught up" with each other. Her body's all tan - she looks very hot, and she responded favorably to the attention I gave her. After multiple orgasms from both of us - something unusual happened. We both thanked each other for the great sex! I don't think that has ever happened in all the years we've been together. I chuckle when I think about it, but wonder what that means??
Later, V told me how I'm kidding myself if I think I won't ever get remarried (assuming we don't stay together.) I had told her some time ago that "if we don't stay married, I'm not getting married again." I meant it. I think I still do. I mean, if I can't make a marriage work with my best friend - then shit... who can I make it work with?? She says we bicker alot... despite the fact that we are extremely close and have a deep, deep friendship.
Of course, my comments about marriage were made before she came out. Even now, I still see that V longs to be with a woman. So, the way the situation looks now is like this: V and I are together, married, both trying to figure things out - with ourselves and each other. Lately, we seem to argue less, we seem to have more sympathy for each other, yet perhaps both wonder how long we will stay together.
I told V yesterday that if we didn't stay married, I figured we'd still date each other. She agreed. So then I thought, "why not just have an open marriage?" I don't understand V lately, I admit it.
Anyway, I looked in her eyes and kissed her before bed last night, feeling content. At least for right now.
so... whatya think?
signs for the paranoid
Several weeks ago, I was putting my belt away in my closet. On the shelf above is a white plastic bag with lettering on it. Inside the bag is a box and in the box is a really, really nice vibrator. I got for V and I to play with, obviously, and we have!
Funny thing is that awhile back, during what I would consider a dry spell in the intimacy dept, I thought that the bag's placement had changed. "That's weird," I thought to myself and decided to keep an eye on the bag's placement and the amount of lettering that is shown.
Fast forward to a few weeks later: The bag has moved many times, and while we have been intimate occasionally, I am starting to put together a couple things - like promises of being with me "tomorrow" and then showing no interest "tommorrow" and coincidentally - the bag is moved!
I don't think I'm spying... it started out innocently enough when I just started to notice. But honestly, I don't want to say anything to V, because it is somewhat a gauge for me as to whether or not she's interested in me anymore.
And, she knows (because I told her) that I pretty much have some sort of sexual activity every day. So, there's no secrets there.
V. did tell me once that she spent some time alone with her toy. Once. Which is fine, actually. I mean, hey, variety is the spice of life, you know?? I don't have a problem with that... what's a little disturbing though is the notion that her regular libido (which is about 1/5th of mine) is spent by herself. I have been trying to get her attention lately, and pay more attention to her, compliment her and such... she's happy about it, I think, but non responsive.
I guess the tides are changing.
It occurs to me today that I am in an online romance with this wonderful girl I "met" a few weeks ago. I am tremendously infatuated with her... it is so fun to email all the time and talk on the phone occasionally. But, I'm getting to the point where I want to meet her in person. Then what will happen? Will at least one of us want to move our relationship further or will it deflate what we already have? Sometimes I think I'm sending her mixed signals but, then again, she does know my home situation. And, I know hers. Really, the best thing to do is take our time and relax.
So... What will happen? Will V give me sex? Will my new online friend become my lover? Can I have both? Will I get both? Will I have none?
tune in later to find out!
m.
ahh... something in common!
So, I'm at the deli last night with V. I'm outside the car and this little 18 year old soccer player with pigtails is running across the parking lot up to the door to catch up with her parents.
As I am a man, and I am looking at her tight little round butt in her shorts that barely cover everything, I mutter under my breath, "Mercy!" and then quickly think to myself, "but, she's about 18 years old."
Unexpectedly, I suddenly hear, "Now, THAT's HOT!" coming from inside the car! Weird, yet interesting to be able to have THAT in common with C! We had a good laugh about that!
In fact, I've been laughing about that ever since.
so... whatya think?
thinking of poly
I am reminded of a word I heard V say - "polymonogamous." Simply put, it's being monogamous with one person of each gender. While I applaud the meaning of commitment that definition implies, I can't help but think that it's also a convenient excuse to justify the "it's different for a married woman to have a secondary relationship with another woman as opposed to a married man having a secondary relationship with another woman" arguement.
I DO believe you can love more than one person. Frankly, I do. First of all, I love the company of my women friends. Some of them are deeper friends than others, but I do enjoy them all. Some of them I care for pretty deeply. So then it just comes down to how intimate and deep the friendship is, right?? And, perhaps more importantly, whether or not there is any physical intimacy?
I have a very, very select few male friends - no physical intimacy there... but a couple of very good friendships!!
I am so curious to try polymory. V says she can do it. Why doesn't she think I can?
Perhaps it's all about taking care of your primary partner. And, both of us getting over our insecurities. I read an interesting comment on a newsgroup the other day. It said you should just go to your partner and say, "I want to have sex with x, how do I make this work for you?? (and I don't want the answer to be, 'don't have sex with x!") . The point is communication and understanding and freedom and love. And no jealousy or fear.
Speaking of which, a check of my mood ring says I'm calm today...
so... whatya think?
Open door - glass screen
Well, I wouldn't say V is exactly open to me having another relationship. In fact, she's tremendously threatened right now - as I have told her about an online friend that I've grown rather fond of. (Of course, there are SEVERAL online friends I have grown rather fond of, but this girl lives in town and I have talked to her on the phone more than once!) V just thinks that the second I meet her, I (or rather she) will drag us off to her place for a big fuckfest! (not that I would particularly oppose to that, mind you... I am a MAN!)
Now, I really think that the bottom line here is that V's little online romance has faded, or changed or something. V talks about how she doesn't want a relationship with women right now - "women are difficult to have relationships with: they're emotional, manipulative, confused (and so I jokingly hollered from the other room, "don't forget caddy!")" I think if V would just relax a bit, she'd find the relationship she wants without forcing herself. My observations about the last couple attempts are that V rushes into things and lays it all out there - then is hurt when it doesn't click together how she wants it. Shit, you just have to relax a bit, you know. (Maybe I could give her some pointers on how to date women.... LOL! just kidding.)
V gives out every excuse in the book too. For example, this online friend of mine is "retaliation for her having sex with a woman." V's "thought about being with a woman for two years", so I'm the one jumping into another "relationship" without thinking. And, of course the standard "it's not the same - she's a woman!" And finally, she appears to be saying that the first woman that comes along that might be interested in having something intimate with me - welp, that's it! I'm running off and leaving V!
You know, when it comes down to it, I am not planning for one minute to drop what I consider a really nice friendship with my online friend. I'm not doing it! I don't know what, if anything, it will amount to other than being good friends - but that's my decision and it's just not fair to drop her. Besides, my friend and I both decided (because she has issues of her own as well) that we would just proceed cautiously as friends (I think there IS a little spark there, however.) There is plenty of time! And, I think that V will resume her own exploration soon and be less concerned with what I'm doing.
I read several newsgroups on a semi-daily basis, two of which deal with open marriages. They have some good ideas of how to handle things and make an open marriage work. Of course, both parties have to be open to "being open" don't they??
so... whatya think?
m.
