Pleasantville
Haven't posted in a while... but on the homefront, it's about the same, maybe a little better. Of course, we had a huge blowout over the weekend. V was mad at me because I got mad at her for being pissy in front of my coworkers. She says I scolded her in front of them (in public) but I remember that they were gone. However a couple of other people were nearby and our friend.
So, she was incredibly pissed and emailed and voicemailed many things about how "she gets it, it's over. You don't want me." Also, she says I have betrayed her by telling her "secret." (Which I suppose I do feel a bit guilty about as neither of us have talked bad about the other for ten years. However, I haven't been in the situation I've been in the last six months before now either. I don't think she fully comprehends that. Or, what I think is, she just works on manipulating me and putting ME on the guilt trip.)
Her conclusion? Let's get our finances in order and then I won't be stuck with her.
One interesting new note: Her voicemail noted that she always wanted someone to stand up for her and treat her right (which I apparently don't do.) If we ever split, she says she'd probably want a man to take my place, not a woman. That's the first time I've EVER heard that.
Thus, we go back to the fundamental problems that were there before she came out. Things I don't do around the house, the way I don't treat her properly, etc.
I realize today that I haven't finished my book, "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" Guess I should finish that...
Meanwhile... if I just have a smile on my face and act like everything is fine (which it is at least some of the time)... things go okay. It's kind of like living in Pleasantville. Or maybe the Truman Show...so... whatya think?
managing the corporation
A couple weeks ago on an episode of "Bullshit" (Showtime) there was a radio jock talking about why you shouldn't get married. His point went something like, "Your life and finances are a corporation. Yesterday, you owned 100% of your "corporation," today you own 50%. If you ever get divorced, she still owns 50% of your corporation plus you write out an additional check and give it to her. Now, how is that fair? It's not." Yikes.
It did get me thinking, though about my situation and my "corporation." The corporation has some issues to work out. Debt to pay off and a child that needs rearing, education and a stable environment are the two biggest issues. Another big one is V's career and stability. After all, the poke in my pocketbook would be less - much less - if V had a career that paid as much, if not more, than my job does. Or, if we stay together, we've developed a "corporation" that is at least debt free, if not financially independent or even wealthy.
How's that for taking a relationship of a decade and reducing it to a mission statement?
And, if anyone's keeping track, V and I have been getting along these days. Although, it seems more like roommates with occasional affection. Granted, I haven't been in the mood. But, she just doesn't make an effort to tease, flirt, entice or attract me. She just asks why I don't show affection toward her.
F. was very depressed last week. She's taken her H back but doesn't feel the love. Her friends are supportive but tell her to stick with her family. She doesn't seem happy at all and I haven't heard much from her.
so... whatya think?
the philosophy of poly
Okay, so the question of the day is: Can you love more than one person? Can you love two people equally and express that love - including physical intimacy - to BOTH?
It seems to me that it's easier to say "yes" to that question when you in fact, are in love with a new person other than your partner. I find that it's not as easy to answer "yes" when you are on the outside looking in at your partner who is in love with someone else besides, or in addition to, you.
But, many people are in love with more than one person, albeit without the physical intimacy. Personally, I'm not sure. I've found myself incredibly infatuated with a girl on occasion, someone I work with or someone I meet, etc. I then fantasize about being with them for a couple days and that's it. At least until lately.
Now it's like I have given myself the freedom to explore relationships further than before. It used to be a little fantasy and that's it. Now, I find I want to spend time with other women - one on one - and leave all options open.
I am quite horned out today. V and I went to lunch together, and I was quite turned on by her red dyed hair and tight pants. We have been getting along more in the past couple days, I don't know if it's because of her or me. She does have a new job and things are looking up for her.
So, C and I are hoping to have a nice weekend, as her trip to see her "girlfriend" has been postponed until June. Funny thing... I found a txt file on our desktop with what I think is one of her passwords somewhere, "love____." Maybe it's an old one. She says it would be like sleeping with her sister to be with her.
(She asked me last night if I'd heard from any of my "girlfriends.")
so... whatya think? I think you can love and be intimate with more than one person
if one is allowed to do that! Will my partner allow me to have another lover?
M.
off the deep end and blames me
It's been hard the last 24 hours. V is terribly upset and depressed. She wants to go back to school but we can't afford it yet. She will get a job, but without a degree has to work in some crappy place. (Of course, all the jobs she's had have been crappy in her eyes... except maybe one particular one a year or two ago.)
Now, she can add to her misery that "I told her the other day that I didn't want her anymore." Which is NOT what I said. But, it might as well have been. "I have nothing in my life," she says. "I'm a terrible mother because my child yells at me." When I try to give her options, they are no good. "I've already thought of that and here's why it won't work. I'm not stupid!" So, I don't say anything. That's not right either. "You just blow off my problems. You don't say anything."
I don't know what to say. I DO THINK it's mostly her responsibility to figure out SOMETHING to make her happy.
She asked me if I could handle taking care of our daughter by myself. "Yes." I told her. Once V came up with this plan that she would go back to our hometown and work at a job she liked several years ago. Then, she could work on going back to school.
I almost wish she'd go do that. I'll take care of our child. Go do that. Go do it!
:(
flip flop flip flop flip flop
So much flipping and flopping, it makes me think I should just mark down each day as a "flip" or a "flop", tally it up at the end of the week and make a decision then...
so, the latest notes:
The woman at work. God, a "one sided" friendship if I
ever saw one. I think she just really wanted a "little
friend" to hold her hand while she gets used to her new side job.
She said she was "telling me EVERYTHING in her life"
so naturally I felt honored. But... I think she's
revealing more of her personal life to many more
people other than me. Anyway, I think I'm being used
a bit or perhaps I've gotten the wrong idea.
I'm just kind of over all that.
Online friend F. Well, she's back w/her husband but says
she's not feeling "the love." (I understand that feeling,
believe me.) She says it's hard to reconnect after
pulling the plug emotionally -
especially after she's been thinking about pulling
the plug for so long. I think it's like finally
deciding to jump off a burning ship into the ocean
because you don't think you have a choice - and then
after you jump you're told... hey, wait!
The ship's not on fire!! WTF!
Now V. (sigh..) We had a good talk over the weekend.
I told her the 10 things I can't forget
about (earlier blog post) and she responded by saying
how she loves me, doesn't want to have a life without
me, and that she wants to try all week this week to
reconnect. She says she didn't realize before how much I
was hurting, but now sees it clear as day. She wants to
grow old together.
She's also saying she's put women "behind
her" now... (this after I mentioned how "I don't want a
relationship with a woman RIGHT NOW" doesn't suggest
it's behind her). Anyway, she wants to reconnect.
Now today, she is very very depressed about our
finances and how she cannot go back to school. She
said today if it wasn't for our daughter, she'd drive
off a cliff. Just talked to her now... she's still
very upset. So, I don't know what the hell to think
or do most of the time. When I think that I have
gotten it figured out, the situation changes...
:|
with a bug in the ointment
So, I've come to a conclusion in my head and then... now V's trip to see her girl may be in jeopardy as the girl has been blowing V off the last few days and the trip to see here is planned for next weekend.
It's funny, things never turn out how I think they will turn out. I expect some end result of a situation (big raise, affection, understanding, a new friendship or relationship) and it often seems the opposite is what happens. In this case, I expected for V and her girl to "hit it off" and at least be "part-time lovers." So, it probably won't work that way. Why do I care? Perhaps I'm looking for a sign... or a reason to make a break.
At least if V and this girl are on the outs, V has no other "prospects" and I have no other person(s) distracting me on my end, maybe V and I can really get to the point regarding our relationship and make some decisions. I have so many things to discuss with her and tell her regarding us - It would be good to have a clear head when making such an important decision, right??
a simple plan
I would be single... but committed to taking care of my daughter and her mother.
so... whatya think?
therapy between the pages of a book
I've been reading this book called, "Too good to Leave - Too Bad to Stay." Here's one thing that sticks out in this book so far. Each chapter has a question to ask yourself about the relationship. One was if the good times you remember were really good, another was about physical abuse, etc. So, one of the questions in the 4th or 5th chapter was about if you and your partner had things you enjoyed doing together, and if you still do them. Wow. V and I used to cycle, take care of our house, and some other smaller things.
Seems as though V cares less and less about the household chores. I remember at Xmas I was the only one who decorated the house... (a first in the ten years we've been together.) She says she'll clean up the inside, I mow the yard. Guess what did and didn't get done yesterday.
The point this book is making is that if you both are doing things and activities apart from each other... it may spell trouble. (oh and your child doesn't count, as a child IS NOT the glue that holds a relationship together.)
so... whatya think?
