roller coaster continued...
It's been a long week for V. Her friend has pulled back - pulled away as she can't seem to balance having a marriage and a relationship with a woman. She figures she'll have to leave her marriage before she can pursue a relationship. I understand that thinking... I wonder myself if one can truly love - or be in love - with more than one person at the same time.
So, the past few days, I've loved V, listened to her, asked questions in a non-threatening way ( i think) and just given her what she needs. V says she doesn't want a relationship with a woman right now, she's going to just have to be content to admire and love women from afar - but I wonder how long she'll be able to do that. Because, if you are supposed to be with a woman... how can you suppress that? Or, for how long??
I'm much more calm this week as I have come to terms with some things - and am pursuing other friendships and such. Online friendships can be so helpful too! One is far away, the other... not so far away. I hope I can meet the person who is close by - soon! - as we seem to have much in common!!
(sigh...) it's good for a change to not be wound up so tight!!!
so... whatya think?
m.
solice and solitude
The weekend was different for me, very different than weeks past. I spent a good portion of it by myself, running errands, shopping, cycling (much to the dismay of my five year old daughter.) I enjoyed it, I think V did too, actually. I'm settling a bit into a "new routine," which I think means only that my old habits and expectations are out the window.
I made a new friend on the net, and she's really true and honest and frankly, just nice. That too I think, along with my incredible load at work, is keeping me happy and busy. I've also started running again and will try to keep it up all this week.
I haven't kept as close an eye on V lately, but noticed the lack of sparkle in her eye. Then, this morning, she told me she's having troubles with her new online friend. They were set to meet in a couple weeks - now, apparently not. I think we have both pulled away from each other some... perhaps at my initiation, but I think we're both comfortable with that.
Oh, and I asked my good, good, good friend (who is like my brother I never had) about either being his roommate or just crashing at his place when he's at his girlfriend's house. He's known both of us for over ten years and while couldn't believe what I told him about V, he was supportive as he heard a similar story from one of his other friends a few years back. I don't know if I'll share a place with him or not... but I think the option is there.
So, I have a feeling of calm now. How long it will last, I don't know. But, I'll enjoy it while I can.
m.
and then a blowup...
We had a huge argument this morning. Or, maybe it wasn't really an arguement, but rather me blowing up after V was incredibly hacked off this morning. I said something I never should have said, "f*** you!" That's something you say to someone you hate.
I don't hate her. I'm frustrated with her, I'm angry with her at times. I don't hate her. I never will hate her. Regardless, I blew up today. She was yelling at me and at our daughter as we were all rushing out of the house to get to school. I was trying to help (honest I was - I know how my story could end up one-sided, so I'm trying to be fair here) and suggesting what I could do to help, get our daughter ready, etc. I didn't just "take over" - but most of the time she plans all that out anyway and doesn't want my involvement.
Finally, I blew. She wanted to have breakfast with me this morning before our daughter's play at school. After she yelled all morning at us - she said, "So are you going to have breakfast with me?" My response: "Hell, no. I don't want to spend one more minute with you than I have to." I then asked the time of the play, she wouldn't tell me and said I should know these things. Then, me in one car, her in the other and an obscenity yelled through closed doors at her.
Later, she wants to see me because "You're all I have." So, we had coffee, watched the play, went to lunch all three of us. She bought presents at the store for all of us (me, my daughter, and her new girlfriend **i think** ) - I wonder if to make me feel guilty. I don't know.
Sometimes I really think she pushes my buttons to see if I'll blow - and yes, eventually I will. Then she can make it all my fault. Surely she doesn't do that, does she?
If I had the money, I'd have my own apartment downtown and stay there a couple nights a week. Or more.
Should be an interesting weekend.
m.
pulling away
Even for a little while, I should be able to - and be allowed to pull away from her.
That's kind of what I've been doing lately, and she can tell. Although I don't think I'm deliberately trying to send her a message - but I've been a little more quiet lately. (Hell, one of the two friends I have who knows about V's lesbianism asked me if I was alright yesterday.) So, I get the third degree.
And, my answer is that I need some time. That I'm actually mourning a little. I just never thought it would happen to my girl and my relationship. This is the girl who (even still now says and) said back then how she would be devistated if I ever was with someone else. Yep, even after I told her that I was going to do what it takes to be happy, she still drops hints on me. How it would be hurtful if I was on the computer talking to a woman (whoops! :) Actually, maybe she knows something I don't know that she knows?)
(I have a little smile on my face now.)
So, yesterday was a hard day for both of us.
And, I know that my hard day was because I was looking at another potential relationship - and it's not working out so well. She doesn't know, of course. And, I feel like a heel now after typing it all out here. Why? I have the right to do that.
It's so complicated.
m.
Is this good advice or crazy talk?
I received this in my spam folder... The subject was "I'm sorry..."
Here goes...
One learns little more about a man from his feats of literary memory than from the feats of his alimentary canal.Life is 10 percent what you make it and 90 percent how you take it.
There is no God, Nature sufficeth unto herself in no wise hath she need of an author.
The company of fools may first make us smile, but in the end we always feel melancholy.
I have to act to live.
Life is an uphill business for the guy who's not on the level.
Men of my age live in a state of continual desperation.
It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.
I determined never to stop until I had come to the end and achieved my purpose.
Few girls are as well shaped as a good horse. When angry, count four when very angry, swear.
A leader knows what's best to do a manager knows merely how best to do it.
In communities where men build ships for their own sons to fish or fight from, quality is never a problem
When boasting ends, there dignity begins.
We that are true lovers run into strange capers.
Today knowledge has power. It controls access to opportunity and advancement.
If we must fall, we should boldly meet the danger.
Don't look back, just keep on walking.
Good breeding is the result of good sense, some good nature, and a little self-denial for the sake of others.
Do not destroy that immortal emblem of humanity, the Declaration of Independence. Do you want my one-word secret of happiness -- It's growth -- mental, financial, you name it.Talent is a flame. Genius is a fire.Genius makes its observations in short-hand talent writes them out at length.
The truth of the matter is that muggers are very interesting people.
Tell me what brand of whiskey that Grant drinks. I would like to send a barrel of it to my other generals. glorification
Ku mao 'a'Aere ra
so... whatya think? I especially like the comment about how few girls are well shaped as a good horse!
experiment...
So, I think I should tell V about our mutual friend - and that I told her V's attracted to women. I think that could be good for all involved: V, me and the girl I pine over. (at least sometimes I pine over her.) When I'm with her, I do get these vibes... I think... or maybe it's me and this "I wonder what she's thinking" that I have in my mind when I'm with her. You know, it's just a
feeling. A feeling we could have something.
So, maybe I'm a hypocrite for critizing V's internet activities... I mean, I'm doing it. I should just tell her and tell her that I'm going to keep doing it - have my online friends, my other friends, etc. I wonder what she'd do? Would she flip out? Would she embrace me more? Probably she'd just get pissed and tell me it's unfair. I should find out, I guess.
Valentine's day was okay. We expressed our love to each other, but I find I'm longing for this
passion... passion I remember from years past. See, that's the thing: an old married couple, it's not as exciting as a new friend and lover. V tells me she wants me to court her. I just can't right now.
I either feel like I'm working twice as hard for half as much or that I'm in competition for her. I can't compete with her emotions for someone else. Can I? I've been there before - boy yes I have - and it just fucking kills ya inside.
Last night V asked more than once if I was okay. "You're really quiet tonight." I didn't want to talk. I don't want to talk.
There are days that I don't know what to do. Today, I'm not sure. Today, I think maybe I'll set aside a "go for broke" day. Jump out of my comfort zone with both feet and see what happens. Tell V, tell sweet girl, tell everybody.
Now, I just gotta decide what day. (chuckle)
??
m.
more discussion...
So, the latest of our long discussions about this situation I guess progressed things further. I told her that it was hard to be in the same room while she flirted with women on the internet and her girlfriend called on the phone. (Now, I don't know if she calls the girlfriend "her girlfriend," but I do.) To be sure, her voice sounds pretty sweet. The girlfriend has at least mentioned to her hub about making a connection on the internet, and I'm pretty sure things will progress quickly in a few weeks.
Nothing I can do to stop that... but I did tell V that I'm sticking in the marriage for a couple reasons: One, I want her to be happy and am willing to help her do that. Two, (and probably more importantly for me) I am intreged and interested in having a deep, strong marriage with certain "freedoms." I told her this. Of course, there are the hints that she drops that make me think she'll hit the roof if I take advantage of any "freedom."
For example, I asked her to think what it would be like if I was on the internet flirting and she was sitting there. (Honestly, I was trying to feel her out.) She tells me how yes it would be hard to sit there while I'm chatting and flirting with a man - and of course, it would be
SO much more tramatic if I was flirting with a woman! (Here we go again with the "I can do it but you can't" thing. I'm beginning to think that her parameters for me having another relationship are based on things she doesn't believe will ever happen. But then again, they certainly could! I meet women everyday and if she thinks the only way I'll end up with a special friend on the side is if I meet all her parameters... well, baby it
could happen.)
Then, there's the financial part of it. We're trapped together for now. Our house seems so small now. I told her the other day that if I had the money, I'd have a loft apartment downtown and perhaps stay there a couple nights a week. She thought it would be great - I could have my art stuff there... make it a studio of sorts.
I'd love that! Maybe someday. ..
So, I do very much like the idea (at times) of staying with her - she is my best friend (at least for now) and having my own space and friends and maybe lovers. Other times, I'd give my pinky finger to have her back all to my self - no flirting, no lesbian sex, just total dedication to ME!
Is that so wrong???The bulimia has stopped (I think) - and she's in good spirits. She tells me she wants me to court her more... but I am beginning to feel like I have to work twice as hard to get half as much. She's really enthralled with her new friends - I can't imagine I'd get away with that.
All in all - she does give me some affection. I read about other guys on the internet that basically have a roommate. My situation is better than that... but I've also don't think that V and I have a stereotypical marriage. We've been tremendously close - and others have said so.
Still, I've noticed (maybe I'm just paranoid) that after the few times we do have sex... she runs in to check her email.... What's up with that??
so... whatya think? m.
three hours later
I had a long, 3 hr talk with V the other night.
She told me how she is really enamored by
this new friend. She told me how much they
have in common and how they talk for hours.
I told her about some things I needed to tell her.
She's a little more open about that now because
she's into someone else... that's good.
I told her how it was hard to see that look in
her eyes. I told her how it's not that much different
for her to have a woman lover than for me to have
another one. I told her how I don't plan to
leave her, but will need to make sure that I'm happy too.
I told her how I've felt like I'm in a
defined, old, traditional relationship while
she redefines it for herself.
None of this was said in an angry tone at all.
And I think it went well. She asked later if I
had told someone about her coming out. I fessed
up to one person and should probably fess to
another. Especially since the other is a woman,
V knows her and actually said if I had a deep
relationship with this person she'd be okay with
it. (I wonder though...)
I also - at the end of the night - confronted
her about the bulimia situation. I don't think it's
been going on long - or that regularly. We
talked about how it's obviously because she feels
like she has no control over her life - and it's
apparently not about the weight so much (but I
wonder). Anyway, I'm going to keep tabs on her
and she knows it. I hope she views that as
my love for her, and not a squelching.
So, bottom line is that
I love V,
I love my daughter,
I love my online friends (one in particular
checked up on me yesterday)
and I think that *I* just might be okay.
I hope so. Now, back to work.
M.
so... whatya think?
pining over her...
Yesterday's meeting was nice. She's just soooo sweet. I couldn't help but send her a note that said, "thanks."
I look forward to the time when I can take her in my arms and hold her close. She wraps her arms around my neck and the sweet, sweet kiss that follows takes all my stresses away.
I long to take her with me on a trip, just the two of us. Taking in good food, soulful music, the arts... and each other.
ahhh... maybe someday... soon.
m.
the daydream...
She's hot... in an earthy way. Natural beauty. Yeah... I LOVE that about her. She's sweet, yet loves outdoor sports - and I think is more adventurous that I in some ways.
So, she has an incredible sexyness about her... and she doesn't realize it. When she's in my arms... my hands naturally move up and stroke her hair and the back of her neck. I love the gentle sigh that welcomes me to keep touching... caressing... I graze a light kiss across her earlobe and she turns her head to bring her soft, natural lips closer to mine. They touch, the moistness connecting an electrical circuit neither of us knew existed.
Passion begins to kindle as our tongues intertwine, our hands roaming, feeling, caressing. After many seconds, she takes a breath in - then out. She cups my face in both her hands, turns her head and explores the inside of my mouth. I run my arms from her waist underneath her shirt to discover the diamond hard nipples indicating the peaks of her size B breasts. As I caress lightly, our kisses become more passionate.
How exactly, I don't know - but the kissing and touching erupts like a bonfire! Her shirt comes off, then mine - kissing and touching with each exposure of new flesh. I pick her up, carry her across the apartment and lay her on her bed before beginning my ritual: kissing nearly every inch of her body.
Her eyes close as I start with her lips, nose and move to cheek, neck and earlobe - while my hands caress straight down the center of her chest, in between her heaving breasts. I glance over from her ear to notice her hard nipples continuing to reach toward the ceiling in anticipation. My tongue must move to circle the hardness... and suckle it. Her moan convinces me to keep going. My hand drifts farther south and caresses the soft hair on her mound. She seems a little nervous as her legs are still quite closed, so I kiss straight down her front and circle her belly button, my hand caressing her outer and inner thighs.
Then I get up and reposition myself at her feet. Touching, caressing the soles, the toes. I lift each foot and kiss lightly on her sensitive sole, then lick. Her slight twitching opens her legs for me and I look for her sensitive flower - but she's not quite ready to show me yet. I continue to caress her legs and work my fingers lightly, gently up her inner thighs, opening her as I go. My arm stretches out and up to graze her aching nipples again, and I move into position.
Her gaze at me is SO hot... she wants to be loved, licked... satisfied. I run my fingers over her inner thighs again, over and over, each time coming closer to her hot sex, then a finger over the outer lips - two, then caressing, studying all of her petals.
Now, for the first time, I study her clit. Her passion. I want to lick it... she wants it to be licked, but I hold off. Not yet. I use several fingers to stroke her velvety flower - careful not to touch the bud - and slowly insert one into her steaming box. The sigh... the sigh and moan makes me aware that my shaft is at full attention. Good.
On my stomach, I position her feet over my shoulders and move in. One deliberate lick is all she gets - I start at her perenium and lick firm and slow, straight up the center of her pussy, tasting, then touching the underside of her bud. Her hips slowly buck toward the ceiling and her moan builds as my tongue moves over the hard clit. Once off the other side, I take a breath, and suck that aching nub into my mouth - swirling my tongue over the sucked in flesh.
She cries out loud! It eggs me on. I move my hands under her tight little ass and eat her out like a ripe melon - her juice running all over my face. "mmmmm...." I moan as I absolutely, totally enjoy her passion. She tastes so sweet, I can't get enough - but come to my senses and pursing my lips in a final suck, pull gently until her wet clit pops out of my mouth. I look at her face and take in her ecstacy. Then, I move back in - gently tickling her folds with my tongue, dancing around - over the top and sides of every millimeter of her. Swirling, swirling, then a kiss, a lick, a rub over her clit with my lips before more swirls of my tongue.
Another moan signals her heightened passion and I keep at it, only pausing for a milli-second to keep my licks from becoming too routine. Her hips are up in the air pressing her wet crotch into me - as if I could, or would, go anywhere! I squeeze her ass and press my tongue right into her heaven, before finishing her off with swirl after swirl... her breaths incredibly shortening.
Then, no sounds and the most incredible scream! Her pussy spasms underneath my tongue into my mouth and down my chin. The cries of passion urge me on as I lighten up on her hard clit - still moving over the sensitive nub - but keeping her tingling as she comes down off her high. Even after climax, I keep stroking her with a soft tongue - and draw out the pleasure as long as I can.
A final kiss on her beautiful pussy and I rub her legs again. She's silent for a minute then softly whispers, "God, you're wonderful."
matt
so... whatya think?
here we go again...
Alright, so V is headed to a retreat in a few weeks. It's a gathering of other married women who love women. I think it will be great for her.
In fact it will be especially great for her now. She's gotten to know someone on this message board - who thinks just like her, lives in the region and is also really looking forward to meeting V and they both are looking forward to seeing each other. They're the same age, they have the same living situation and their husbands both react similarly - except perhaps this girl and her husband are a little behind where we are on things.
So, we both saw the girl's picture for the first time last night. Yeah, she's pretty cute. I joked with V that they were going to "hook up" at the retreat, and she laughed (at my "joking" - which I was trying very hard to make light of the situation) and said, "You're funny!" She never says that. Well, maybe I'm funny -
but I do know this. I'm right.
She has the look of a girl in love. It's a look I used to get years ago. In fact, she even said to me (after the "don't worry, we won't even have time to
be together - we're going to be sooo busy") that she could or might "fall in love."
And for the first time... I've seen what it is like to look into my girl's eyes and realize that, she is in fact, in love with someone else.
Fortunately, I'm more calous this time than last. I need to call one or two of my female friends.
;(
matt
two steps forward...
We had some good discussion this weekend. I explained some things to her, and she comforted me a little. She asked if I could promise I'd never (physically) leave her... and I did. She of course, promised (as she has in the past) that she'd never (physically) leave me.
And the "physicially" is a very important part of that sentence. Frankly, I KNOW she won't pack up and walk out the door. That's more than some wives are doing in this situation, I've read about those wives. But there's more to it than that, obviously.
I told her for the first time that I have always wanted to explore sex, but felt afraid to ask her in the early days of our relationship. She was (and still is) one of those "nice girls." I always wanted a nice girl. In fact, I met V through personal ads in the back of an "alternative" magazine. (Back in those days, we didn't have the internet! - although it wasn't THAT long ago.) Anyway, my voice greeting said I wanted a nice girl who was occasionally wild. Well, that's what I got, but more on the nice side. So, I told her that I was shy for several years to press the limits of sex. And, when she came out that she wanted to explore women, I thought, "Great, we can both experience some of these sexual desires, fantasies!" (of course, then I didn't know/believe that she wanted to explore this all on her own.)
Anyway, she listened and heard me and then says, "Would it make you feel better if there was the possibility of you being involved with me and a woman in the bedrooom? I mean, I really want you to know and like the person who I am involved with and I want her to like you too."
Well, sure - that makes things different. Just the fact that she's not completely cutting me off from her "other side" indicates that she really does value, VALUE our relationship and bond. Now, whether or not that will actually happen (the sex), who knows?
So, Sunday morning we had a nice time in bed when she woke me up and sat on my face. (she loves that lately. ) And, for the first time, she gave me a fantasy of being involved (really involved with a threesome with her... not just watching.)
Yes, it's about intimacy. You get more back when you let a little go. We BOTH need to learn this lesson.
so... whatya think?
rumors...
Let me put to bed some rumors here for all the married lesbians who just 'happen' to read this... (LOL)
1. "Me being with another woman is NOT the same as you being with another woman."
Physically, maybe not. However... that's just a technicality and an attempt to keep your husband monogamous (and perhaps celebate) at home while you explore one, two, a dozen different women. Emotionally, it is still a threat to your marriage. Doesn't have to damage or destroy it, but is still a threat.
2. "Don't worry, you're the only man I'll ever be with. I don't want another."
Okay, so? This statement does nothing for me. I'll go ahead and admit that Iwon't be with another man either. Again, a blanket statement to attempt to comfort the man's fears.
Any husband who says, "As long as it's not another man," is either simple minded, doesn't need any intimacy or is getting some somewhere else. And, if your reading this and the above isn't true... KUDOS to you - because I don't get that.
Look, these married woman say this because they are confused. They aren't sure if they're new found exploration of other women - especially in the sexual sense - will pull them away from their husbands. What if it does? Well, why then, would they want their husbands to possibly do the same thing? As if seeing or being with another woman would make me "chuck it all" and leave my family and marriage. If anything, it might make me appreciate her even more. (you know, the old "let's go look at new houses" and then you come home and appreciate yours all over again?)
just my thoughts...
matt
bulimia
the binging and purging continues...
I've got to stop it. It happened every night this weekend. It's not good for your body - all the signs are there of bulimia...
stress
eating lots of carbs (me too.. but her other meals are light or non-existent)
excusing herself to go to the bathroom - making an "appointment" so to speak.
exercising (which she has always done a lot of... so this is hard to single out)
and, hearing her quietly throwing up (I have to listen by the door now.)
I've got to confront her this week. I am afraid that she will be mad, deny it, hide it even more or a combo of all three.
If anybody has any ideas of how to do this....???? I'm afraid that she does to be in control of something, in control of her life... If I take that away from her...???
i need more research... and to keep watching. She doesn't know I'm keeping tabs on her. But I have asked her, indirectly, if she's eaten all day, if she feels okay, etc.
m
alright... I admit it
My wife is a lesbian.
I'm not sure about anything else, but I'm sure of that. And, the comment of, "well, don't worry, I won't be sleeping with any other men" doesn't really help me much. Yeah, of course you won't. YOU DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH MEN!
I've decided today that I'm not going to hold myself as monogamous in this relationship. That's what she wants, but I'm not going to be held to someone else's definition of our marriage - which, of course, is different for her than it is for me. She'll just have to live with that. I'm not going to be mean or anything - in fact I think I will still love her tremendously, but hey, I'm going to be happy in my life and relationships too!
No sex between us since our spontaneous combustion last weekend. I feel like I weakened out on that one. I don't want to be the "EVERHARD" sex toy that's always ready for her whenever she feels like taking me down for a ride.
There's not much intimacy other than that anyway. She makes dinner for me.. and that's nice. She says that's how she is showing affection. I want to tell her that I appreciate it and all, but I'd rather she sit with me on the couch and talk to me. Instead, she's on the computer chatting with her new found friends until the wee WEE hours of the morning.
This is funny too, I think she's been spending a lot more time with the vibrator that I got for us at Christmas. I wouldn't even know about it, except that it in a white bag with lettering on a shelf right above my belt rack. So, one day this week, I noticed that the bag has a different part of the lettering showing and my shirts next to it were flustered up. Well, I just glanced up each day, taking note of the position of the lettering - and yep, it's different every day! Now, she's never been one to masturbate with a vibe every day - we haven't had one around, I guess until after Christmas - but I think she's got a new trend going.
In a way, it's hot. In another way, I've replaced myself with a $25 vibrator.
I wish I could watch porn by myself again - that's SO FUN. Maybe I'll just do it this weekend. I'll find some old tape and watch it out in the living room while she's on the computer! LOL! That would be hilarious. I wonder what she would do? She has NO IDEA that I know about her sessions during the day... hmmm... I'll have to think on that one.
so... whatya think?
still watching closely
God, I'm not sure if I should be worried or not about this "bulimia" deal. I hope to hell it's not. But, she seems to be "planning" her trips to the bathroom. At least she announces it.
And, this is weird. The last few nights, she doesn't sleep. Sunday, up till 3 or so, Monday virtually up all night, last night until 3am. And she only got a few hours of sleep during the day yesterday. It makes me wonder if she's on some sort of appetite pills or something. (you know, that Dexatrim crap in the 80s was a mild form of speed.)
So, I just try and keep and eye on things.
matt
so... does anybody read this shit?
