...or maybe not.
I'm only posting on this thing today because I guess that's what you're supposed to do on a BLOG! So.. here goes.
I maybe had tenative NYE plans. But, haven't heard back from my friend, who is going through her own situations right now. And, turns out, V's plans have now evaporated like steam. For the second time, H did something to really hurt my girl and that makes me sad. I really am.
Of course, I don't know the whole story of what exactly happened and thus, have decided just to listen. And, you'll recall, I was so pissed last week about all this - I don't know what to say to her - and when I think of what to say, I think maybe I shouldn't say it.
So, apparently it's over with H. Or is it? Either way, welcome to day 106 of the roller coaster ride to hell! Either it goes back and forth with H - she makes me laugh, she hurts my feelings - or V. looks for someone else to fill the void and we go through this all over again. It's like all the crappy feelings from the days of dating are coming back again... but it's not MY dating - it HERS! I feel like screaming!
I do have at least one New Year's resolution I'll list here: Just because it's a certain day, or there is a certain event happening on a certain day - I won't assume any longer that I have plans with my wife. In fact, I'll assume that I
don't have plans with her. I think she already assumes that. It's a fundamental change - and it's part of
"FUNDAMENTAL CHANGE 2005."
Not sure the plans for NYE yet... I'm sick anyway.
M.
I'm a New Year's Eve Widower
I guess I knew it was going to happen. I had
mentioned several times that I wanted the two of us to
go out together on New Year's Eve. I said, "I just
haven't figured out what's going on yet. But, I'm
sure there's something going on somewhere - or we'll
just do our own thing." We'd have to get a sitter for
our 5 yr old, but - I thought it would be a great way
to finish the year, and a month of (what I thought
was) great parties.
So, H. called her last Wed. and asked, "Do you and
Matt have plans New Year's Eve?" So she (V.) says no.
Now, H and V are going to a party out of town at H's
friend's house - some mansion. They are now just
friends, BTW - no sex - just friends. H wants V to go
in case H's old girlfriend is there. (and, I've been
told that H is actually hot for some other girl, C.)
V says she just feels needed as a friend and/or wants
to meet some new people.
Anyway, I was pissed. I wasn't consulted. The plan
was laid out before V got home, and presented to me.
V is tired of the parties with all my co-workers.
We've never done anything much on NYE anyway, so why
would this be different?
We've talked about it more than once after my outrage.
She was actually nicer to me than in the past. She
feels torn between the situation, she says. And, she
said she was going to call H. and cancel, until the
next day, when I was less than affectionate with her.
Then she decided "Fuck It" and is going anyway. I
knew she would. She's not going to cancel and I am
not asking her to. Why make her stay home? That will
just piss her off toward me.
Anyway, we talked about it - and she was very
apologetic. She says she just wants friends who
understand that she is attracted to women. No lovers,
just friends.
You know, the problem I have - the problem I have
ALWAYS had, and what I have tried to explain to her is
this: I don't like the way this was handled! Does
her discovery have to be me sitting around waiting for
her to "announce" what she's doing and when?
I think it does. The old marriage - where husband and
wife collaborate and plan together - that's over. I
have to pick my night(s) - plan something out and tell
her. If not, then it's open game.
I can get used to that, I guess. But, I can plan MY
nights too. I can have other plans as well. And,
she'll just have to accept that.
And then, I have compassion for her. She says she has
nothing... no career, no friends outside my work, no
life of her own. I want her to feel happy.
M.
it's not the same thing... !
She's got so many issues...
She doesn't have her own career.
She doesn't have her own friends.
She doesn't have her own life.
She wants to be with a woman.
It was really sad. The other day, we had lunch together at a really nice restaurant. Suddenly, things just went downhill. She's afraid she'll never get her own career. We don't have the money to send her back to school. Well, we'll figure out a way. I'm working on it.
She doesn't believe me, though - and when the lunch was over, she tearfully said - "I hate my life."
shit. That suggests that there's really nothing good about us. Is there anything? Do I make her happy at all? Or, does she just blame me for her dependence on me?
She used to be so very dependent on me. She wanted to know where I was, what I was doing. She's been dependent on my career - and unhappy with how it's turned out. She says I haven't supported her. Not true, I HAVE supported her - but haven't pushed her to finish school, etc. So, she still is dependent on me, to a large extent. I think that's why she gets so upset when she sees I could move on if I lose her - even part of her. Mind you, I don't want to give up any of her, but that's not what she wants/needs. I feel like we're in such a stalemate right now.
There are two issues here. One: She feels she has no independent life of her own. Two: She is attracted to women, and wants a relationship. So, the equation turns out to be:
Since I don't have anything independent in my life - I'm going to be a lesbian and thus, that exploration is to be independent.
I think that she wants to tell me everything about her discoveries for HER benefit, not mine. Sure, it helps me cope to know a lot about what's going on - but come on, do I really need to come up with a girl's name for her right before she comes? Sometimes, that's torture! Imagine coming up with - and talking about an incredible sexual fantasy - together. Then, you learn that if the fantasy ever happens, it will be a one-way fantasy without you. And, you can't ever talk about your fantasies - let alone act on them.
No, nope - I don't like being "supportive" of her bi/lesbian tendencies - giving her the fantasies, playing along until - UNTIL a woman comes along. Then, I sit alone in the waiting room while she runs off and explores. Am I being selfish here? Maybe if she needs her own things: relationships, career, friends, etc., I should just be a silent supporter. Don't get me wrong. I do support her discovering, or rediscovering, her life. It's just so f***ing hard to wait and ride the roller coaster. Granted, it's only been one woman so far - but she fell into this one - emailing, sending hot pics, having sex.
Good thing is, seems there are no other friends/lovers in the game this week or next. Or, at least I don't think so. But, she's been in contact with H again this week.
We did have some good "mind-blowing" sex the other night.
m.
A newsgroup I read posed a question to us men married to lesbians...
If you could be assured that you'd have a new love in a year... would you leave your current situation?
Well, my answer is no. I love her. My wife. In the short term, I'm there.
Here's part of what I posted back to the group:
Funny thing for me is this: About a week ago, I had a big "discussion" with my wife, I was asking lots of questions - in an effort to try and understand where she was with things, how she felt, where she was going, etc. Well, it was interpreted as me putting her on trial.
Long story short, we both ended up crying - and it was at that point that I realized my marriage - what it was or what I thought it was... WAS OVER. At that point, I started to look ahead. What was MY game plan? How would I plan for MY future. Nobody is taking care of me first except me. That doesn't mean I have to be selfish, but it's up to me as to how I will handle my situation and my needs, etc.
So, I've started spending some time with a couple of different female friends of mine. Not dating, just platonic stuff - lunch, etc. For me, it's incredibly gratifying. And, I'll probably do more of it.
So, in an effort to "be open," which is what she wants from me and wants to give to me, I've told her about these friends of mine. She knows one of them. I've also told her that I really enjoy seeing them, and how it keeps my focus off of her bi/lez discovery and that maybe I wouldn't feel the need to ask her questions so much.
Well, of course, she asks ME questions in response and now I think is rather upset with the whole idea. No dating, no nothing... but still a problem.
However, I have compassion for her. Just thought I'd post.
so... whatya think?
m.
let's not be hasty now...
She says to me:
"I've given so much of myself to you... your career, helping you overcome your insecurity... I just can't deal with you being insecure about this (lesbianism)." Gee, thanks. I'm actually working on my own insecurities... what's left of them. And, as I've been thinking, I've realized this:
I was tremendously insecure as a young adult, especially around women. I can count numerous girls that I could have, should have dated - but fucked it all up because I was so damned insecure! So, I'd like to work on that. Now. Because I'm not as insecure anymore. I'd like to date other women, frankly. That would really be exciting! I have several female friends and I really enjoy their company. Each one of them, individually, for their own special uniqueness. And, I expect it would be very fulfilling to take one of my friends, or some girl I meet in the future... take her out, flirt, romance her a little... whatever.
But, I don't think she could handle it. She already says, "I think you're going to leave me." I don't want to... I have no reason to dump all that I have for... uh... what, a friend where there's nothing going on? Sometimes, she seems really paranoid. (Does that give me the upper hand?)
And yes, sometimes I think it would be better for us to cut our losses and find new loves... rid ourselves of the baggage - so to speak. I feel like I've tainted her sometimes... I did yell at her, I did make her feel bad... yeah, a couple times could have been classified as verbal abuse (never physical). Hell, I've thought this out before she came out to me... she seemed so distant and pissed at me! I'm not the perfect guy at all, but she seems to have absolutely NO give! And she knows it.
But, isn't that what everlasting love is? Loving someone even after the storms are over? Looking back with your friend and saying, "we survived that... now we can survive anything!" That's what I think I have here... but I don't like being told, "I can't deal with your problem here" when frankly, I didn't start this. And, I keep trying to talk about it with her - and she angrily closes the door. Am I being unfair?
still love her...
m.
am i more accepting?
So, we went out Saturday. And, we partied. Together.
It was great, actually. She's my good friend and lover (although we haven't had sex in 2 weeks) and we really enjoyed ourselves and the company we were with. (work christmas party) Lots of friends, new acquaintances (one girl we both thought was hot, more me than her because she thought the girl was "butch" - i didn't agree) and plenty of wine too.
Christmas parties are always fun; lots of dancing, hugging, touching, etc. And, then the last hour or so you spend with your wife! (just kidding.) I do feel like I have a great network of friends - people I enjoy being with.
So, at this party, she met a girl that I kind of like - and of course, gave me the third degree over it (but in a nice way). Probably it's because I told her, "yeah, I really like her" to which she replied: "I think she really likes you." I'm not sure what she's worried about - I work with her and I'm not thinking she wants to be involved with me, anyway. And, that's not what I'm expecting, anyway.
Although, for the first time, I've thought it might be nice to have a friend (or whatever) in addition to my wife. Just the idea seems nice. :)
so... whatya think? m
defining a new relationship
Is it different just because the other person is a
woman, not a man?
She says that she can love both... wants to love both.
She equates it to loving her friends. So, can you
have a really good friend that you have sex with -
that's not your spouse? And, at what cost to the core
relationship?
As exciting as it seems to me sometimes to have a
lover/friend on the side, my fear is the cost to my
relationship with my wife.
I guess the bottom line is the emotional pull, right?
The attachment to the person you are involved with at
the moment. It's like having two kids: you can't
show them both the same affection at the same time.
Ironically, that's the analogy she used for having a
g/f. That, to me is more the issue than the sex. I
guess, I don't know. I think I'm just having a hard
time adjusting to our "new" relationship. And, my
expectations of how this was going to work and how
it's actually working... are two different things.
in thought... but no gut-wrenching pain...
m.
one small decision
The biggest realization from last weekend was that my marriage, as I knew it to be, was over. It's clear to me that she wants it her way... and that's it. Her discovery is more important than our relationship. I accept that. I'm disappointed though... even when she tells me she loves me and that she wants to grow old with me - because the message I get is this:
"I really love you and want you to be with me forever. I'm just going to do this other... no matter how you feel about it." Is that love? I guess it is if I decide to stick it out and love her anyway.
She keeps saying, "I know you're going to leave me," and "when you leave me, let's have a family day together." Well, yeah. I might leave. Someday. That doesn't mean I don't love her - I love her more than anybody. But, I have to make sure I'm happy too. And someday, someday I might decide I'm happier just loving her from afar. I could still see her a lot, call her, kiss her - she's the mother of my child! I'd just be free.
But that won't happen now. For now, I'll just "go with the flow."
m.
riding the roller coaster to hell
Sigh... Long weekend. I still love her, though...
We ended up in a discussion Friday night. My point was, and has always been, that the problems she has with me and our marriage are
different than her SSA.
In other words, it's just not fair to say that:
since I moved us all over the country,
since I wasn't home much over the last three months,
since I haven't given to her the love she's given back to me,
since she has no career yet,
since she has no close girlfriends right now
that she deserves to have her lesbian friends and relationships.
Now, I don't think it's fair to say that if all of the above weren't there, she wouldn't have SSA, but for the sake of my relationship with her I want to work out these issues! If she in fact has resentment toward me - how can she be comfortable with our relationship while she gets a career and explores her SSA?
And, of course, I feel incredible guilt when these issues are brought up to me.
If I had just held her, loved her more, encouraged her more, etc, things would be fine. (not really)
I told her I thought counseling for our relationship would help us figure out each other. She's dead set against that, afraid that a shrink would just tell us to split up because she's gay. I'm afraid of that too... I think there's got to be someone more willing to work things out and spend time with us than that.
Our conversation ended with both of us crying. She said, "I don't ever want to talk about this again." Meaning all of it. She felt like she was on trial. I thought she had all the answers! She presents herself as being so together. So "in control." I realized that was different when she finally admitted, "I don't know the answers."
After she left for a drive... I realized, and accepted, the fact that our marriage - what it was or what I thought it was - is over. The question is, whether or not I can accept the new marriage.
m.
Flash In The Pan?
I feel bad for her... part of me does, anyway. She went out with H and her friends, and I guess the two of them ended up at her house.
I sensed something was up after she came home at only 10:45, after leaving me a message "not to wait up."
She told me that H just wants sex, and my girl doesn't want to feel cheap. I can understand that... in fact, I'm a bit relieved. I still think she's trying to force things, though...
I think she wants a relationship so badly. That to me is the biggest threat to us. Especially since this all started out as she getting together with other bi women in hetero relationships, making friends and if it leads to somewhere else....? Instead, it seems like she's really searching for something else.
I
try to let go... I try to
understand... I
will be there when she gets back... but I also feel like
I'm watching someone with an addiction...
m.
and she's mad at me?
Alright... it's true. I wasn't
totally forthcoming about
all the places I put an ad up.
So, she found one of the ads. And, I put my picture up there. She wasn't happy. She kept asking me, "Have I really hurt you this bad?" Well... yeah.
I was trying to figure things out... and no, I don't want her to know all about it for several reasons. First, I don't think a 35 year old married guy is going to be much of a catch, unless he's really good looking. (which I'm not.) Second, the ratio of men to women in online personals seems to be about 10/1. That's just the truth! So, I wanted to just check it out without judgment first.
I really think she's trying to micro-manage my affairs - in an effort to make sure I don't leave her. But it's not right for me to sit at home waiting, worrying and wondering what's she doing. I'm going to find my own things to do.
There is a significant risk in opening up and letting go of someone you care about. It's especially hard when you have been so close to that person for over a decade. She tells me that she knows what she wants, which (as I interpret it) is a side relationship with a woman and me waiting at home. It's not that I don't believe her on that... it's that I wonder if she's really being true to herself. As I see it, she's diving head first into this friendship/relationship with H.
So, I took the ad down for now. And, I'm having lunch with a lovely, platonic friend of mine. :)
m.
new discovery
I heard H's voice today. She left a message at the house. At first, I thought it was a wrong number.
"Hey, I couldn't talk at work and can't say much that's private. But I wanted you to know that I'm excited to see you tonight too... and meet my friends. See you later."
Kinda deep... short, non abrasive voice. (shrug) Not sure what to make of it.
She's been more open with me, talking on the phone to her last night in our bedroom. I wonder if she'll just come out and be full lesbian?
I'm beginning to think that my girl is pushing this relationship harder than H is.
I wonder how late she'll be out tonight...
let it play out... just let it play
...I guess.
We had planned sex for a couple days. It was going to be last night. All set... warm room... lights low, not off.
She tells me ahead right before we start that she's not in the mood. She's doing it out of obligation. "I'll show her," I thought. I was turned on by her. Newly shaved, toned, hot.
I proceeded to gently lick and love that beautiful pussy of mine... as only I can. Teasing... not too fast. Just enough to reach the goal, but long enough to make it all worthwhile.
Her orgasm was beautiful. And then, intercourse. Even though she said at first that she didn't want it... she changed her mind. And it was nice.
Later, during pillow talk, she told me that sex with me is better than with her. Even after she talked with her g/f on the phone.
Thanks, baby. I think you are so confused... all these conflicting feelings in your head. Why did your first have to be a full out lesbian? Why did i let you go? Why did I encourage you?
...the gut wrenching pain in my side has subsided... for now.
m.
